While reading the first chapter, I would appreciate it if you clicked on the link below and listen to this song, just to set the mood.
Such a little word consisting of 4 letters, yet such a huge definition behind it.
Every person defines ‘life’ differently. Some people will want to achieve something big and appreciative in their lives to be in a high position, whereas others will only want to party till 3 in the morning. For me, there was only one thing I ever wanted in life. Just one goddamn thing, something I never really felt. And that thing was to be happy in life, a purpose to live.
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“No, no! Please, you have to do something, you can’t just let her die like that, please, I…” I had my hands on my head and paced back and forth franticly. My vision blurred out as my tears were sliding down my face. “Mr. Hernandez, we are trying our best, please stand aside or…” my breathing rate was increasing rapidly whilst two nurses were trying to hold me down. I didn’t take any notice of them, I moved closer to the bed in which she laid. She was surrounded by three doctors. Her eyes closed, she looked very pale and weak. To see her like that made my heart shatter away into a thousand pieces. I took her right hand and tried to blink away the tears. “Amy, please, you will survive this, I know you will, just don’t give up okay? When you wake up I’m going to buy you the biggest ice cream ever, it’s gonna be so big that you won’t ever even wanna look at another ice cream ever again! ” I managed to get out a smile, well what seemed like a smile anyway, but it didn’t really matter anyway it’s not like she saw me. “Wait, I can sing ‘evil mosquito’? You always laugh at that when I sing it. Actually do you know what would be better? We could go Paris together, you always wanted to go there didn’t you? Fuck the money, we will sort it out and we’re gonna have an amazing time, just you and me! You’re not going to leave me, right?” I just about got the last sentence out. “Mister, you really need to go, otherwise we’ll have to…” The nurse didn’t finish her sentence and rushed off as the electrocardiogram got faster and higher. It’s all just a blur. I don’t exactly know what’s going on, all the doctors got to Amy as quick as they could. I just stood there in silence, helplessly. “What the hell is going on!” I knew exactly what was going on, I just didn’t want to admit to it. My mouth was trembling and the tears were just streaming down my cheeks, I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I was watching the doctors closely as they were trying to revive her, with no success. The electrocardiogram suddenly made the worst sound that I’ve ever heard in my entire life, this long and steady beep. I turned around to face the wall and hit my fist against the wall, my crying became more uncontrollable and loud.
“Time of death: 8.04 pm…”
A few hours later
I’ve lost her…
I never thought this day would come. ‘I’ll love you till the day I die’ I said to her and I will hold on to that promise forever. It’s like I’m trapped in a twisted love triangle, it just hasn’t sunk in yet. Is this what Fate is? Why did it have to be her, she did nothing wrong! I feel like this is a bad dream, she was fighting but I guess she wasn’t the fighting kind. I feel like I’m the ghost here, in my own intoxicated world. And here I sit on my own, what do I do? Where do I go? I’m completely lost without her. I was her Romeo, She was my Juliet, my guardian angel, my destiny. It’s strange when you think about it, how can something just fade away into pure emptiness? I’ve never had the feeling of my soul being torn apart before, its like I have nothing to live for. I just sit in silence as I drift away into a fantasy of what could’ve been, what could have happened. Just then I feel someone gently placing there hand on my shoulder… I looked back with the slightest hope this was all in my head, I see Phil standing there with a bag. “Hey dude come on its gonna be okay, we’ll get through this man” I didn’t know how to respond to that. “Do you think she’s in heaven looking down on me?” “Why shouldn’t she be, she always said you were the one” and with that I go into the toilets to get changed, I look down at my top realising that it was drenched in my tears. I quickly put a different top on and rushed out the door, I can barely stand up. “Come on I better get you home, you can’t drive in this state”. As soon as Phil dropped me off, I opened my front door and collapsed right onto the floor….
“Hey bro should I come in and…” “No man, it’s cool I think I’ll get some sleep but thanks though” I said hoarsely. He came in anyway, I thought he left but it doesn’t seem that way. Phil looked at me concerned, he opened his mouth as if he was about to say something but then closed it again. “Okay dude but call me if you need something” “Thanks” and with that I closed the door behind me. I looked around. Everything looked exactly like when I left the house this morning, as if nothing happened. Her empty coffee cup was sitting on the kitchen table, her jacket was hanging of the couch. I headed to the couch and grabbed the jacket, tears started to form in my eyes as I inhaled the scent of her Rebelle Fleur perfume, it was her favourite perfume.This was so fucking unreal. She just can’t be dead. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, then I let go of the jacket and headed to the bathroom. Once I entered, I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes looked empty and showed no emotion but sadness. They were bloodshot red from all the crying, dark circles were starting to appear under my eyes. My face was tainted in sadness but I didn’t care. I felt empty inside, it seemed as if Amy took my heart and soul with her when she left. I didn’t recognize myself. I turned around and made my way to the bedroom. Once I stood in front of the door I hesitated to enter it, but then I took a deep breath and twisted the handle to open it. I just had to go through this sooner or later. My eyes scanned every inch of the room. Everything in this room just reminds me of her, everything was related to her. Her closet, her nightstand, these pictures of me and her on the wall, which I refused to even look at. I headed to our or should I say my bed and laid down. Even the sheets smelled like her. I looked at the ceiling. This was way too much for me to handle. The pain I had inside got worse and tears started to form in my eyes again. The fact that she’ll never sleep beside me anymore was killing me, the fact that I’ll never kiss or touch her anymore made my heart explode into a thousand pieces. There will be no more of our little arguments of, who’s gonna turn the light off after making ourselves comfortable in bed. I will never hear her random singing anymore and when in the morning she thought that I was asleep and couldn’t hear her, but I could. I will never hear her laughter again when I’m fooling around. I laid my hands on my face and the tears started to fall again. I’ve realised now that she really is dead, and I won’t ever see her again.
A week later
“Damn, Bruno still ain’t here y’all!” Ari said. Phil sighed “Yeah I know dude, I have tried absolutely everything to get him outta that house, it’s just not working. He’s really hungover Amy’s death” “This cannot be good for his health right? We’ve even done all his house shopping for him, he’s gunna have to get over her at some point!”
I checked my phone, I haven’t had the strength to see what’s been going on outside my house since last week. I had received over 47 missed calls and 108 text messages over such a short period of time. Most of them were from back home, Hawaii. I didn’t particularly want to speak to anyone, so I just went through my messages. I had loads of texts from my family, they seemed worried. I didn’t respond to any of them, and I’m sure Phil or Ari have spoken to them already. I should really get some fresh air, I don’t necessarily want to bump into anyone. I decided to put on a sweatshirt and go outside, for a simple walk. It felt good to embrace nature in someways, slightly helped me get me head around things. Phil and Ari must be wondering where I am, and why I haven’t been in the studio yet? It still doesn’t feel right. Even going into a management company for a session would remind me of her, she would always be there to support me. But I will go in soon, real soon. I know I will, I promise. Amy wouldn’t approve if I didn’t anyway, I’m going to do this for her. I was born to make her happy. I took an oath to keep her happy forever, even when she’s not with me, and I know she wouldn’t be happy is she were to see me in this state. Tears won’t bring her back, so I had to take a huge step forward and move on. I know that it’ll be tough, but I will get through this, I’m sure of it. I have amazing friends who will help me and an awesome family who’ll always stand by my side till the very end. Talking about family, I feel bad now that I haven’t answered anyones phone calls. They were worried about me and I just ignored them. I’ll call mom as soon as I get home.
As I make my way up to my front door, I realise that it’s open. I could have sworn I closed it when I went out. It must be my landlord, he’s the only that has a key. I decide I’d creep in ‘quietly’, just incase.
“Bruno is that you?” I know that voice, and it’s not one that I want to hear…
“Aww Bru, your finally here!” she said. “What are you doing here Veronica? And how did you get in?” Veronica was the last person I wanted to see right now. She’s my ex girlfriend and I haven’t seen her for months. Why is she here now? “I still have my key remember? You never took it back. Oh, I heard about Amy by the way, I’m so sorry, so I thought I’d check up on you” I didn’t believe a single word she saying. She showed no sympathy what so ever, her facial expression was neutral. Veronica hated Amy ever since day one, how could I believe what she was saying was true? “Get to the point Veronica, what the fuck are you doing here?” I said annoyed. Veronica sighed, grinned and then came closer to me, I instantly stepped back. What was she doing? “Get the hell out of here” I said with a blank expression on my face. “Aw come on Bru, I can help you forget about Amy, real quick” she said in a whisper tone. She still tried to come closer to me and each time I moved further away from her until I hit the wall. Veronica started to caress my chest. Was she being serious? No, she didn’t just say that, did she? Stay calm Bruno, stay calm. I took both her hands off my chest and shouted “Seriously, Veronica? Gimme the damn keys and leave the house and don’t you even dare to show your face around me ever again, do you understand me?” Veronica raised an eyebrow and looked at me disgusted. “You’ll come crawling back anyway” she said and slammed the door on her way out. I sighed deeply and ran my left hand through my hair. That bitch disgusted and frustrated me at the same time. How could she dare to show up like that, it’s only been a week after Amy’s death and then she decides to say those things? She got to be kidding me, she really is outta her mind. I shook my head, not believing what just happened.
I tried to forget about the situation. I don’t want to waste my energy on thinking about Veronica, I called Mom instead. I dialled the number quickly.
“Hello?” “Hello, Bruno is this you? Oh God Bruno you dumbass why didn’t you..” “Yeah it’s me, Sorry I ignored all of your calls Presley, but I wasn’t able to speak to anyone, I wasn’t in a stable condition. You understand me though, right? So is Mom busy? Can you give it to her?” “It’s okay Bru I understand.. And Moms here let me hand it over…” “Oh Bruno, you finally called, I was so worried about you, how do you feel now sweetheart?” she asked in a worried tone. “Hello Mom, I’m fine.. okay I’m not, I’m finding it hard to cope, I’m kinda lost without her Mom, I don’t know what to do” I swallowed. “Well just remember you got your friends and family around, you don’t have to go through it alone Bruno…” Mom kept lecturing on as usual, it felt good to hear her support though. I was so happy to hear her voice again. “Bruno, should I get on the next plane and..” “No Mom, you really don’t have to, Phil and Ari are here” I interrupted her. I don’t want her to make a big effort to come to LA . “Okay Mom thank you so much for all the support and help, I should really get ready for bed, it’s been a long day” “That’s okay Bruno, just remember I’m only a phone call away if you need me sweetheart.” “I know Mom, thank you, I’ll call you soon, okay? Bye.” Calling Mom always seems to make things better, she knows the right things to say and exactly when to say them. I felt a lot better now after calling her. I laid down on the couch and closed my eyes. It’s really quiet, perfect thinking time. A number of things ran through my mind. I started to hum out a tune. I grabbed my guitar and started playing a melody. I haven’t touched my guitar since Amy’s death, it felt so good to run my fingers through the strings again. I don’t know what the melody I was humming could be used for, but it works. This past week has been an emotional roller coaster and I always express myself best by writing songs, I just didn’t think of writing a song in the past week. I played the melody back to myself. ‘I know you’re somewhere out there, somewhere far away’ and slowly I started to develop on the first line and ended up with the first 2 verses and the chorus. I wiped away the tears that were falling gracefully as I finished the lyrics. Every single word I wrote is true and came from within. It is like a mirror that reflects my feelings from the inside instead of what I look like on the outside. These tears will be the last ones that I’ll cry for Amy’ I thought. I need to live my life normally again and I know that it’ll all get better in time. I think its a good idea to go back to the studio tomorrow, it’ll be a big step forward to getting my life back to it’s usual routine..
“At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines..that are way too dangerous to cross.” - Meredith Grey
“No man, I don’t feel it, we should make the beat more faster” Ari said. He furrowed his eyebrows and pressed some buttons, the beat got faster.
Phil was in deep concentration, he laid his thumb and index finger under his chin while the beat was playing in the background. The beat ended, Phil shook his head slowly and sighed. “Naw, it still doesn’t sound catchy enough” “Well do you have a better idea? It’s been like 4 hours now and we still haven’t got a beat” “I know dude, this is getting frustrating…” Ari rubbed his forehead and just stared at the floor. “Let’s face the truth man, we’re nothing without Bruno. I really miss him here” Phil nodded. “Me too, I’m just hoping that he’ll be back soon, he HAS to come back soon.”
I got out of the car and closed the door behind me. I stood right in front of the studio, which by the way looked like a normal house on the outside. Wow, it feels like I haven’t been here in years although its only been a week and a half. I made my way up to the front door and opened it with my key. I heard some music in the background, Ari and Phil must be here already. I followed the sound of the music, suddenly it stopped and I hear two voices. “Let’s take a little break man” It was Phil’s voice. “Yea I think that’s a good idea, we’ll continue later” Ari replied. I gently grabbed the door handle to open the door. Ari and Phil looked towards my direction as I entered through the door. They were staring at me in disbelief and didn’t make a single move.
“What? You’re looking at me like I’m a monster or something. Let’s get to work!” Their blank faces slowly turned into huge smiles and they ran up to me. “Dammit bro I can’t believe you’re actually here again!” Ari said as he hugged me. “Yeah, I think I’ll shed some tears of joy” Phil added and pretended to cry a little. I laughed for the first time again. It felt so good to be back in the studio with the guys. I didn’t feel empty anymore, I could breathe again. I now know that I’m ready and that I’ve successfully taken a step forward.
“Hey guys, there’s a song I really want to show you, and be honest about what y’all think about it.” Phil smiled. “Alright man, show us” I picked up my guitar and began to sing:
“I know you’re somewhere out there, somewhere far away, I want you back…”
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Five months later…
“Hey Jay, have I got anything booked in for tomorrow?” I asked my PA “Nothing important Lace, wait let me just check your calendar” I let out a very silent “Uhuh” “Oh, actually you’ve got a studio session booked in with three guys” “You’re not giving me anytime to rest are you?” I reply half jokingly and half seriously. I was hoping I didn’t have anything planned for tomorrow, my schedule has been so busy lately. I really need a break, just some time to myself. “What time am I booked for?” “Well your expected there at 9AM” I rolled my eyes. Holy jeez, 9AM? Jay read my face perfectly and knew exactly what I was thinking. “Thanks Jay, I’ll see you first thing tomorrow” I give him a friendly wink and get into my car. Even though I’ve been so stressed and exhausted these past few weeks, all I can think about is my next album. I want this one to be more personal and special compared to the stuff I usually write, something that others can relate to, an album coming from within. I’m actually quite excited to be back in the studio again, but these guys tomorrow will need that special something I’m looking for if they want to work with me. The last few guys I’ve had in were too predictable. ‘Well we will just have to wait and see’ I thought to myself and yawned. I looked at my watch it’s only 11PM, I must be really tired. I finally come up to my front gate, I open it with my passcode and drive all the way up to the front of the house. I open the front door as fast as I could, being tired is one thing, it being late and dark out is something worse. I make my way up the stairs with much effort, open my bedroom door and collapse right on to my bed…
“Phil get up dude, we got an appointment with Lacey remember?” I opened the curtains and the window. “This could be huge for us, I can just see it, ‘The smeezingtons rule over the music game’, it’ll be all over the papers and on TV.” I held my arms out in front of me and looked up at the ceiling, letting out an uncontrollable laugh. Ari lightly threw a pillow at me, indicating me to snap back into reality. I gave him a goofy look. “Dude, just shut up. And Phil get your ass out of that bed now!” Phil mumbled something like “Give me 15 more minutes…” under the sheets. “15 minutes my ass” Phil never gets up this late, I think he might be catching up on some beauty sleep. I understand why, I’ve seen Lacey on tv, she’s amazing and beyond talented. I didn’t ever think I’d come across an opportunity like this, I hope she likes our music and our personalities. Ari’s the first ready and he’s making sure he looks perfect, smiling like a fool. I chuckled. Ari had a huge crush on Lacey, ever since her first single came out and now he couldn’t wait to finally meet her. Phil finally decides to get up after a while and goes into the bathroom. We all decided to stay over at mine last night, that way there was no confusion over timing. “Phil have you seen the time? We have to be at the studio for 9AM dawg!” Ari shouts from the kitchen. “I’m done, I’m done. What’s the time?” “Its 8.40AM!” “We’ll make it in time, it’s cool”
We leave for the studio in a rush, Ari was already in the car. During the journey to the studio, I looked out the window, preoccupied in thoughts. It was insane, things were really starting to take off for us three and changing for the better.