Chapter 12

07/08/2011 23:43

12. Rollercoaster 

Alissa’s Mind @ The Hospital. 2.01 PM

An awful noise went off and it came from Dr. Jarré. ‘I’m sorry, I have to go. I’ll be back in 10 minutes. I just got beeped’  She walked out of the room in full speed. I had no emotion in me. Bruno was still looking down. ‘This is my fault’ he said. ‘Bruno..’  he sighed ‘No Alissa…face it…It’s my fault. I got you into this mess and if you…’ he stopped he didn’t want to say it. ‘I will never forgive myself.’ He said.

‘Bruno please…’ I just didn’t know what to say. I was getting tired of myself. Mixed emotions were arguing in my head. “Love him” “Hate him” “Say Something” “Don’t cry” “You are too weak you might as well give up now” I shook my head cause I wanted all these thoughts out. I could see how guilty Bruno felt. ‘…This all happened for a reason Bruno..’ I said. He got out of his seat walked over to mine and kneeled down taking my hands. He is so gorgeous.  ‘I am so sorry’ he said.  ‘Bruno please stop..you are making me feel guilty for making you feel guilty’ Bruno looked me right in the eyes. ‘That’s stupid.’ He said.  I was scared. What did “full recovery” mean.. What would I have if I didn’t make it to “full recovery” Silence. He stood up kissed my forehead and then he walked around the room a little… thinking. I was frozen in the same position I was when I heard the news.  Out of nowhere a tear rolled down my face. A single tear full of emotion. Bruno noticed and rushed over to me. ‘What’s wrong!?’ he asked with his questioned face. He kissed away the tear and moved away my hair from my eye so he could see it. ‘What’s wrong?’ I pointed to myself ‘This is what’s wrong.’

Bruno sighed. ‘I am so sorry Alissa’  I looked at him and grabbed his face ‘Don’t say that…ever again please.’ He looked at me confused. ‘I don’t want you to put the blame on yourself’ I let go of him and sighed. ‘…Alissa I don’t think you realize how much this kills me inside. The guilt does something to me. Just like when I wanted to tell you what happened, I just couldn’t find the right time or the right words. Baby you have to know that, no matter how hard it would be, for you I’d do it all over again.’

He was  kneeled down in front of my seat…again. I could see the pain in his eyes and I just wanted it to stop.. ‘You don’t have to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing...these battles make us stronger and they show us what a bitch life can be’ I saw a little spark in Bruno’s eyes.. I couldn’t help but smile. ‘…what?’ he asked grinning a little. ‘Nah, nothing..’ I said smiling a little while still looking in his deep brown eyes. His eyes tell you more than words could ever tell you. The emotion attached to the way he looks at you makes your heart raise. ‘I love your smile’ he said. Looking at me, and that’s when I realized that I was smiling at him like an idiot. ‘Sorry’ I said and my smile disappeared. ‘Are you apologizing for being beautiful?’  My smile disappeared even more. ‘..W..what you aren’t insecure are you..’ I looked at him ‘No, no..but’ I got interrupted. ‘I’m back, sorry for making you guys wait but it was a code red and…am I interrupting?’ Dr. Jarré pointed at me and Bruno, he was still on his knees holding my hands and he looked at her. ‘..Not at all..’ he said smiling and got up, he sat on his seat again and looked at me like ‘This conversation is so not over.’  I nodded at him understanding what he meant. I looked back at Dr. Jerré and she had her serious face on. Just like me and Bruno. ‘I know this news isn’t the kind of news you would want to have.. but do you have any questions?’  The only thing I could think of was the first thing I said. ‘Infertility?’ She looked at me understanding. ‘It’s possible, If something goes wrong in the surgery but I’m sure that is going to be fine.’ I just sat there wide eyed. Bruno took my hand ‘..Don’t worry’ he said. I looked at him and sighed than looked back at Dr. Jerré. ‘…And..what does she have when she doesn’t get to full recovery.’ Bruno asked…like he was reading my mind. I was too afraid to ask cause I was to scared for the answer. GOD I’m such a nut. ‘Well, if you would’ve waited longer you could have ended up In a wheel chair..so the surgery has to happen as soon as possible. If the surgery doesn’t go like planned…you might be signing yourself up for a  rehabilitation. ‘Oh my god’ Bruno’s hand was covering his mouth in disbelieve.  ‘We will contact you for further information’ Dr Jarré said feeling my pain. I closed my eyes realizing that I could end up in a wheel chair. ‘Are we done’ I asked her. ‘..Yes we are.’ She said. She got up and walked to the door holding it open for us. Me and Bruno got up, we shook hands and walked out. I can’t believe I just had to hear that. With everything I have been through this has to be the most painful moment in my life, But I won’t put the blame on Bruno. I put the blame on my life. I was on that freeway, I was with my sister trying to get away from my father. I was the one that distracted Joelle so she didn’t stop for the red light. These are the waters I am in, It’s like I have been dropped on an Island far from home, alone and I have to find my own way back. It’s like asking a paralyzed person to swim across the sea. Bruno and I were walking our way out of the hospital in complete silence, holding hands..thinking. ‘Bruno you have to know that…without you I would have ended up in a wheel chair.’ He looked at me confused ‘What?’ I sighed ‘If you didn’t kick my ass to see a doctor. It would’ve ended up way worse than it was.’ Bruno stopped me from walking and kissed me with intense passion and hunger. I could feel his pain with every single touch. I pulled away ‘I can’t…’ Bruno looked at me confused. ‘What?’ he asked ‘I know what I’m doing to you it’s not healthy. I don’t want to hurt you like this Bruno’ he wanted to interrupt me but I kept talking ‘And what do we even know about each other? I had a hard past, I know your dream is becoming a musician, but other than that I know nothing about you. Even though that I want to be with you, because I feel save with you and I am myself with you. You bring the good things out of me that I have missed for so long. You give me love and strength to go on and yet I am hurting from this…I can’t see you hurt. Bruno, please don’t put the blame on yourself. I distracted Joelle when she drove through the red light. You tried to stop..but it was too late. Every time you think you hurt me. You don’t..you hurt yourself.’ Bruno’s eyes were speaking to me again. ‘I love you’ he said. He pulled me in for a hug and squeezed me a little. I can’t believe I just said that.. all of that. I just poured my heart out in a lobby full of people. But all I saw was him. He touched my face with looking into my eyes. ‘I love you too’ I said to him. 

I kissed him. No pain.

 

~~~

Bruno has been staying with me and Joelle for the past week. It’s nice to have him around like that. The surgery is one day away and how closer it gets the more terrified I get. Me and Bruno talked almost all day all night.  I really got to know him. And he got to know me. He has a huge family. He plays almost every single instrument on earth. He is crazy and he makes some mean pop tarts. Almost every night I woke up…screaming. Screaming from pain. He is so good in calming me. He sang me to sleep. It’s like with him I have no worries. Bruno and Joelle get along so good.  Speaking of Joelle, she has been dating Jamareo for 3 weeks now. That double date never came, but I’m sure it will. He came over a lot, It’s funny how Bruno is when he is with his friends. No different than how he acts when he is with me. He just makes me happy. We stopped by at his place cause he ran out of clothes.  He opened the door and the wind mixed with his cologne smacked me in the face. ‘Fuck..I must’ve left the windows open.’  He walked in and I just stood there still blinking the wind out of my eyes. ‘..Don’t be a stranger’ he said laughing. I walked in and the first thing I saw was the huge white piano in the living room. ‘Was this here when I was here?’ I asked him confused. ‘Yes’ he said dryly. I haven’t played in a while… once I touched a key I started playing. My hands were leading the melody.

All the emotion I had in me just got out of me. And it sounded good. Bruno looked at me wide eyed. After a few minutes I was done playing. ‘Wow.’ He said. ‘Where did you learn that?’  I looked at him ‘Well…I learned myself. My dad locked me and Joelle up in this room like a small room. And all there was, was a piano.’  Bruno looked at me ‘..how do you cope’  I looked at him like he killed a rabbit ‘..what?’ Bruno laughed at my expression ‘…How do you talk about it like it’s nothing’ I looked at him standing up ‘cause I started fresh, I forgot but I won’t forgive.’ He nodded and pulled me in for a kiss. ‘Tomorrow is the day..’ he said in my hair. I buried my head in his chest. ‘I know.’ He sighed. ‘How long do you want me to stay’ I looked at him ‘As long as possible’ I saw him thinking…something I don’t see every day. ‘I go back to work on Monday…and it’s Monday…so a week.’  He said. ‘Woah..SMART ASS!’ I said teasing him ‘Oh shut up. Am professor…peanut butter.’ I busted out laughing ‘Professor Peanut Butter’ ‘Yes’ he replied. ‘Go get your stuff’ He sighed ‘Can’t we just make out?’ I looked at him frowning ‘GO!’ I said. He laughed and let go. I sat down on his couch and looked around. He was in his room packing of course. My eyes stopped when I looked at this little box placed on the kitchen table. I got up and walked to the kitchen table and read the label. “Exhopatoniance” Bruno walked in. ‘What the hell is…this’ I pointed at the medicine.  ‘..That helps me from not dying.’  He pointed at the box. ‘Were you snooping around?’ He said like it was nothing ‘Are you fucking kidding me’ I said in disbelieve. I smelled an argument in the air. He took in out of my hands. ‘I think I’m gonna need that’ he said. ‘…WHAT’S WRONG!?’ I yelled. Bruno gave me the look ‘leave it’  My eyes widened ‘Leave it!? I poured my heart out to you I told you everything, and you don’t tell me…THIS’ Bruno closed his eyes ‘I tried too…that night at your house when you had your second attack.’ I felt stupid now. ‘..So..we both suck at being healthy.’ A little smile creeped on his face. ‘You’re hot when you’re mad.’ I can’t be mad at him but I want to. ‘how’ Bruno’s eyes flew open when I asked him. It scared the fuck out of me. I stared at him. ‘I got stabbed when I was little, like little little. I was the happy kid walking around and I still want to kill this fucker who did this to me but I got over it. I have to take these medicine every day. It ‘s for my lungs. I got stabbed in the lung.’ I couldn’t believe my ears. ‘And you want to become a singer.’ I said. ‘I can’t become what I already am.’ He said smiling. I hugged him moving my hands through his curls. He kissed my forehead and let go. ‘Let’s go home. You’re sleeping early tonight..you need the strength for tomorrow.’ He said taking my hand, grabbing his keys and his stuff. All I could think of the whole ride was my surgery. I don’t even know what they are going to do. I looked out the window. ‘What time is it?’ I asked Bruno. ‘Do I look like your digital clock..’ he said dryly. I gave him the look ‘Sorry’ he said ‘It’s 12 AM.’ I was still giving him the look. ‘What was that about.’ He sighed ‘I’m sorry, I’m a little tense about tomorrow. I’m just..nervous.’ he said while having his eyes on the road. I thought it was sweet how he was freaking out. The expression on his face was just priceless. ‘You seem more relaxed than I am’ he said laughing. ‘I’m not..I’m just feeling so fucked up inside, I just can’t think of words to say.’

Bruno was squeezing my hand. ‘…I’m going to be there..’  he said. ‘not while the surgery is going on but..I’ll be close.’ Those words just took a lot of weight of my shoulders. He is going to be there to support me. ‘I love you’ I said and he parked the car. We got out of the car joking around again and again he made me forget everything. I opened the door and I saw Joelle in her Snuggie watching TV in the dark. ‘…Hey sis and sister’s boyfriend!’ she yelled. ‘I have one of those!’ he said pointing at the Snuggie ‘One of these days I’ll have my own kind.’ He said laughing. ‘Sure you will’ Joelle said laughing at him. I smiled a little. ‘I’m going to bed’ I said. Joelle got up walking over at me like an idiot cause she was in the blanket with arms. She hugged me and kissed me on my cheek. ‘No matter what happens, you are the strongest person I know and I love you, and..survive.’ she said. I love her. She is always there for me in her own way. I giggled ‘I love you too sis…you’re going to be there..right.’ I said looking at her with my serious face. ‘No..’ I gave her the look. ‘I was kidding, damn. I will never leave my sister alone like that.  You know how many times I feel like scratching Bruno’s eyes out!?’ Bruno stood there wide eyed. ‘What did I do now!?’ he said. ‘You took my sister from me.’ She said slapping him playfully with one hand, the other hand was still around me. ‘ouch’ he said dryly. ‘Joelle…your killing me’ I said trying to breathe.  ‘Sorry sis’ she said. I smiled at her and got ready to sleep. Bruno was already in bed. I snuggled up with him and closed my eyes.

 

~~~

Pain. Everywhere in my body I felt pain.

‘…her eyes are moving’ I heard Joelle say. ‘I see that’ Bruno said replying to her. Why the fuck can’t I open my eyes.. ‘How long is she sleeping?’ some dude asked. ‘..It has been 22 hours after the surgery.’ Bruno said. Oh my god..has he been here for that long.  ‘Were you here all the time?’ the doctor asked. ‘Yeah, I was’ Bruno said. He was holding my hand, I could feel it. ‘How is she doing?’ I recognized Phil’s voice. ‘Hey man! I guess she’s doing pretty well actually.. how is your girl doing?’ Bruno said. ‘She has been in labor for…a long time now man..but I have to go again, tell her I was here!’ Phil said. Labor? WOAH I forgot, his girlfriend was pregnant! Ugh,  why can’t I open my eyes? Wait…I can pinch right? I pinched Bruno’s hand. ‘DAMN ALISSA WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT!?’  I heard Bruno say. ‘..wait..Alissa?’ He said rubbing his thumb to my cheek.  I tried to talk…but the pain was killing me. ‘F…f..’  I tried. I heard Joelle, I think she jumped out of her seat. ‘SHE TALKED..OR KINDA.’ ‘F what?’ Bruno asked. ‘F..Fuck this.’ I said. A lot of laughter was coming from the room. So many people? Joelle was closer than I thought. I could smell her scent. It’s like she wears perfume ever since she was born but what are all these people doing here? And who are all of these people..

‘I know how she will open her eyes’ Joelle said. Oh no..whatever she is going to do..It’s not something good. I just know knowing her. I felt something extremely cold on my arm and my eyes flew open immediately. Ice.  ‘SISSY!’ Joelle yelled and she hugged me tightly. ‘Y..you’re killing me’ I said. She let go and acted all innocent. ‘Sorry.’ I looked at Bruno. He had a smile on his face from ear to ear. ‘How do you feel?’ he asked me still holding my hand. The 2 people I cared about the most were sitting  on my bed while I was waking up from a nightmare, a painful nightmare. ‘I feel so good, let’s go to the gym.’ Bruno giggled his giggle again. ‘Let’s’  I looked around seeing all these doctors. ‘…uhh’ Bruno laughed. ‘We are here cause this is the first full body surgery we did. We just want to make sure that you are okay’ Dr. Jerré said. I smiled at them. ‘Do I get something against the pain?’ I asked her. Bruno interrupted me. ‘Are you in that much pain’ He asked worried. I nodded and his expression went from worried to crazed. ‘I don’t want you to be in pain’ he said. The doctors left. Joelle was playing with my hair. ‘It’s okay..’ she said. Dr. Jerré came in again. ‘I’ll be right back to check your mental and physical state.’ She smiled at me satisfied and she walked away.

 

Hours have gone by with stress, and questions and tests but I made it..I made it too full recovery. I don’t think I ever felt as good hearing those relieving words “You will be fine” that was the best “You will be fine” of my life! They gave me something against the pain and it was working so well. I didn’t even feel like I had 5 hours of surgery. I got dresses and packed everything up. I was ready to go, and get out of this nightmare. I made it through.

 

‘You have everything?’ Bruno asked. Joelle already left cause there was something with her work and since everything was okay we both figured it was the best if she just went to work. I nodded and smiled. ‘If you are feeling good we can go downstairs..you know..check on Phil’s kid’ he said smirking.

‘…Is she done already?’ I asked smiling. ‘I don’t know..but..Phil can’t take all the blood and stuff so he’s like in the waiting room..I wanna support him’ I smiled. Bruno is the best friend everyone would want to have… ‘Sure..’ I said smiling. We walked downstairs and we didn’t see Phil anywhere..

‘W..wait..is that him?’ I asked Bruno, Bruno looked at the place where I was looking. We walked to the room he was in. It was him, his girlfriend and the lifeless body of his child..