It's been a month since we lost the baby and I felt me and Bruno grow apart we wouldn't joke around or kiss or even speak for longer then ten minutes and the most important thing we hadn't said I love you to one another at all he would go to the studio a lot I would usually keep myself occupied with cleaning up around the house but at the end of the day I never forgot what happened I got a call from him but I missed it I called him back "Hey" Hi what's up? "I have to work late we're writing this song for a new artist" Oh ok.. "I'll be home around midnight so don't wait up" Ok bye, "Bye" He hung up I threw the phone on the couch and started crying I don't know why but the way he talked to me was so diffrent it was like the love between us was gone all of this made me think about Halia wow I havent thought about her in so long I'm only 25 and I have already lost my mother sister and child.. I thought about this month and everything that happened it was my birthday two weeks ago and Bruno didn't even remember I didn't say anything about it since I already knew he forgot I made dinner and made him a plate I figured he would be hungry when he got home I sat in front of the tv and watched some tv shows It was getting pretty late so I went upstairs I walked by the nursery I opened the door feeling tears gather up in my eyes but I didn't want to cry I cried enough I just wanted to be happy I went back downstairs and got a bag I threw everything in it, the clothes, the teddybears I put the bag in the garage, I went back and took the crib away after two houres I finally finished now it was just an empty room filled with a memory that I wont forget I leaned against the wall and fell to the ground I looked around me I felt so lonely the only light that filled the room was coming from the moon I started humming talking to the moon I finally got up and made my way to the bathroom I looked at my reflection it was like I turned into a completely new person I lost so much weight my eyes were red from all the crying I looked terrible but I didn't care it wasn't like Bruno payed a lot of attention to me anyway.. I took off my clothes and got in the shower I let the water run down my body I got out and dried myself off I put on something comfortable and got in bed I tossed and turned a little I was getting use to not having Bruno's arms around me he would sleep in the same bed as me but he wouldn't touch me and that hurted me but he acted as if he didn't even care.
I sat on the couch wrapping myself up in the blanket I closed my eyes picturing it were Bruno's arms wrapped around me picturing him in my head was the only way I could get through these weeks I heard a knock on the door I didn't want to talk to anybody, "I know you're there Alena let me in we need to talk girl!" I still didn't move, just go away please I whispered under my breath.. "Fine I know there's a key under the mat!" Shit.. She came inside and sighed when she saw me "Oh girl.." I looked at her, He's gone Sofia.. "He'll come back" He said he wouldn't care if I got hit my a bus I think he wont. "Look we all say some crazy shit when we're hurt but he doesn't mean it that man loves you.. "I don't know anymore everything just seemes so hopeless I have nothing to live for anymore it's like everybody I care for is just slipping away first I lose Halia then my mom then the baby now Bruno? No. I can't handle this I need something to just numb this pain anything Sofia.. "What do you have in mind?" You know what I mean. "Hell to the fuck no Alena you're not turning into some junky for him you're young, beautiful ,talented, smart you think you're the only one who's heart has ever been broken? No you're not we all have been through this at some point I know you have a lot of shit going on and a lot of bad things have happened in your life but you're strong and you can overcome this if you really want to you got that?" I don't know Sofia.. I just don't know anymore "We'll get through this I promise.." I try calling him sometimes I pick up the phone dial his number put then I just freez I can't move and I just drop the phone it's like I have no control over myself anymore.. "You need to go see a docter" What so he can fix my broken heart? A docter can't do shit about this.. "No i'm worried about you you should like go see a psychologist.." Hell no the last thing I want is to be forced into a room and talk about my feeling to a complete stranger.. "No really," She grabbed a car out of her purse and gave it to me "He helped me a lot when me and Brandon ended seriously do this for me you'll feel a lot better I promise.." Ok.. I grabbed the card, Dr. Blanchard? "Yeah he's kinda old but really nice he really understand you" When he loses a child mother and sister at age 25 and then breakes up with his boyfriend after 6 years then he can say he understands me. "Alena.." Just saying..
"Bru?" Hmm.. "How are you feeling sleepyhead?" Like crap thanks for asking.. "Auw forget about her you have me" I looked up at her she was barely wearing anything but I didn't care I wanted Alena, fuck it I needed Alena..She suddenly pushed me on my back and sat on my lap "You're so cute" I smirked, thanks.. "Tell me what happened" I'd rather not.. "Bruno the only way to get over it is by talking about it.." I took a deep breath, When we went back home the other night... We you know, Started making out and shit when we went a little further.. I could tell she wasn't enjoying this part of the story a lot, Well when I almost reached that...point. I screamed out... Oh Michelle. her eyes widened I knew she was trying not to laugh "For real?" You think I would make this up?"Ok, carry on" Well she got mad and started saying she didn't love me the way I loved her and shit we got into this huge fight and I just left.. "Bruno my heart has been broken so many times, I tought myself to build this wall around myself making it impossible for anyone to enter my little...comfort zone I would have sex with men just to have sex no meaning no feelings just to be sure I wouldn't get hurt in the end, You know what draw me to you? When I first looked into those eyes I felt that wall collapsing like my heart and sould were telling me to go for it, And I will but not now I want you to get over this, over her I want you to be able to tell me you're ready to start a new chapter in your life and that the chapter about Alena and You is done. Can you tell me that? I thought about what she said I respected her for opening up to me like that but I didn't feel same way I don't think I ever will feel the same for another women like I felt for Alena, I need time Michell.. Can you give me the time I need? "Take all the time you want." I smiled, Thanks. "Can I kiss you?" I put my hand on her cheek and leaned in I kissed her genlty and pulled back I didn't feel a thing no spark no love nothing. I'm going to go out.. "Ok.." I put on some shoes and started driving to the nearest liquer store I went isnde taking every bottle that had the most alcohol in it I drove back to her house I went insde she was getting ready for something, Where are you going? "Oh I have a show i'll be back in a couple of houres" Oh alright.. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a glass I poured myself a little bit of everything and took sip after sip "Alright I have to go" Bye.. "Don't do anything stupid ok?" Ok.. "Bye Bru" She grabbed me by the back of my neck and kissed me hard and kinda sudden she didn't even give me a chance to respond before I knew it I actually felt her toung in my mouth, Woaah ok there you're going to be late.. "Yeah I better go" Bye.. "Oh and by the way, you are a great kisser" I smiled a little, bye. "Bye sexy" She left, I closed the door behind her, Wow.. I went back to the kitchen and started strumming some chords on my guitar while taking a sip after every line I sang..
I'd catch a Grenade for ya... Throw my hand on a blade for ya... I'd jump in front of a train for ya... Baby I'd do anything for ya.. I would go threw all this pain... Take a bullet straight threw my brain.. Yes I would die for ya baby. But you wont do the same...
I wiped away the tears that were slowly running down my face.. Why wont she just do the same.. I put my head in my hands and started crying this was the first time after the break up that I actually started crying like this it was actually just hitting me that me and her were over I took another bottle out and just started drinking from the bottle I kept drinking like the pain would just dissapeare but it didn't it never would till I had Alena back in my arms but that seemed impossible..
This is so stupid. "Stop nagging.." I put on my shades and got in the car I wasn't in the mood to go to this psychologist but Sofia insisted we got to his office "Ok get out i'll pick you up at five "What the fuck am I going to do in three houres.. "JUST GO" Ugh fine.. I went inside "Oh hello are you Mrs.Jackson?" Yeah that's me.. "Ok Dr.Blanchard is waiting, follow me" I followed her she stopped in front of a door "Go inside he's waiting" I opened the door it was a really big office with one of those chairs you have to lie down on like you see in the movies wow I didn't think they actually had that.. "Oh Alena welcome" Hi.. "Ok just lie down we're going to talk not about the problems that are going on now but just about you I want to know who Alena Jackson really is." Alright.. I lied down "Ok tell me how did it all start?" Well... I was born in 1985, on January 9 uh I have a brother and a sister, god bless her soul. "Oh so your sister passed?" Yes. "Ok we'll get to that later carry on" Ok my brother's name is Kai and my sisters name was Halia.. "Ok and what about your parent" My mom passed away too. "Ok, So what about your dad?" I froze. I didn't like talking about my father the only people that knew about my father and I were Bruno, Sofia and Kai. Can we talk about that later? "Will the fact that you tell me now or later make a diffrence in what happened?" No.. "Then why wait?" I sighed.. My father's name is David Jackson I don't know if he's dead or alive honestly I don't care he left my mother, me and my sibling when I was eight I don't mind cause he was a terrible father he would beat me and abuse my baby sister him leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me. "What were your father's last words to you when he left?" I closed my eyes and the day he left came back to me.. I'll be back. "Did he come back?" No. "Do you want him to come back?" No of course not. "Ok.. So tell me some more how was your childhood from when you were eight.." I spent every single day surfing and taking pictures of everything I loved photography I stopped when I was in high school. "Why?" I don't know I just did .. "How was high school for you?" It was four years of absolute torture. "Why would you say that?" Cause I hated school I hated sitting on a chair for eight houres straight five days a week "How about friends?" Yeah I was ok with making friend I was always a social person I didn't have problems with making new friends.. "I see and what about after high school" Well then comes the main reason why I am so fucked up today. "Tell me more." Peter Gene Hernandez. "A boy?" Yes a boy. "What did he do?" He changed my life. "In what way?" We started dating he's a musiscian you might know him Bruno Mars "Ah yes" Well we moved here to LA to get a better chance in succeeding in the music business "How were the first couple of years?" Tough.. I worked four jobs everyday but we made it.. "Ok and did anything special happen in those years till now?" Well my siser and mother died" How? "My sister drowned in a surf accident I needed to keep an eye on her I didn't she drowned end of story. "Do you blame yourself?" Everyday. I felt a tears escape my eyes, "What about your mother?" She died in a caraccident "How was your relationship with your mother?" Great untill Halia died she blamed me an said I died along with her after that I found out she regretted saying it when we wanted to get back in touch she died. "Ok... And this Bruno what about him?" Well I found out I was pregnant a couple of months ago.. I started crying again, I'm sorry this gets me really emotional "Don't apologize" I wiped away my tears and stayed strong "Ok and?" I lost the baby when we found out it kinda sepperated us you know we both turned so bitter to a point were both of us couldn't handle it "Are you with him now?" No. "Why?" We broke up "Why?" We had a fight that led to something we both didn't want but just needed to happen. "Ok, Alena what I see now is a brokenhearted girl that's been through a lot in her life you need to really know who you are in order to get on with your life it seems like you describe yourself with Bruno and your past when actually you are Alena Jackson a girl that's been through a lot and needs help you act to strong when actually you are falling apart on the inside do you understand?" Yes.. "Ok Alena I want you to tell me how you feel right now." Like i'm stuck in this black hole where I can't get out of I feel hopeless and sometimes I cry without a reason about things that I wouldn't even have payed attention to when I was younger everything feels like i'm moving in slow motion people irritate me getting up in the morning is harder then it used to be I feel like there's a glass door between me and the world like I don't fit in when I smile it just feels awkward and I don't know I just feel...wrong. "Alena tell me your biggest fear." Loneliness. "Alena I'm pretty sure you're dealing with a serious case of depression" Well we all feel depressed sometimes I could have figured that out "No I mean real depression this is like an illness you need to take some medication and slowly on you'll feel better" Medication? "Yes I'll give you some Prozac to begin with and you need to come see me every week" Ok..
I sat on the floor strumming my guitar I looked around at all the bottles spread out across the floor I grabbed my glass and took another sip
All alone, in my room..waiting for, for this phone to ring she'll come home someday soon, I just know or am I imagining things? The voices in my head keep saying, she's coming back to you..
She's not coming back Bruno who the fuck are you kidding? I said to myself while taking yet another sip from the almost empty bottle, fuck.. I grabbed the bag. Empty.. I got up my head was spinning a little, damn.. I got my car keys and started walking towards the car, I was asking myself if I should drive drunk.. No don't be stupid Bruno.. I heard the frontdoor open "Bruno?" In here.. She came into the kitchen her eyes widened seeing all this mess "Bru don't tell me you drank all of this by yourself.." Ok, I didn't drink all of this by myself.. "Don't play around with me." You told me to say so.. She sighed and bent down "lets get you to bed" Will you join me? She bit her lip "Of course" It was like the alcohol was taking over.. She helped me up and we went to bed I didn't care that she was standing there I just started taking off my clothes and got in bed with only some boxers on "You want to sober up frist?" How? "Coffee or something" Yeah sure.. "Alright.." She went downstairs and came back with some coffee after a while "Here you go" I started taking small sips it did help not a lot but it helped.. "Alright i'm going to sleep downstairs" What? Hell no sleep with me. "Bruno this better not be the alcohol speaking." Oh come on I can handle alcohol.. Total lie I really couldn't.. "Ok." She started taking off her clothes "Turn around" Why? "I want to put on my PJ's" You don't need PJ's, I was determined to get over Alena whatever it took I would have sex with her if that would make this pain just go away. "Bru.." You want me right? "More then anything.." And I want you what's the problem? "Nothing.." Then get in here... She bit her lip and took off her clothes leaving her underwair and a t-shirt on she got in bed with me I immediately started grabbing her by her waist and pulling her towards me, You're really beautiful.. "Thank you" She smiled and kissed me, Why couldn't I stop thinking of Alena? It's been weeks man come on.. I kissed her harder just trying to forget about Alena and ignore this feeling "Bru wait" I pulled back, what? "Can we talk first?" Of course what do you want to talk about? "How old are you?" I chuckled, Seriously you don't know? "No I figured you'd be around 24" I'm 25 what about you? "21" Seriously? You look older "Well thanks I guess.." You're still hot tho, I kissed her gently "Ok we talked enough" I chuckled, She sat up and suddenly took off her t-shirt revealing everything I guess she wasn't wearing a bra. I sat up too and took her on my lap I kissed her neck as she ran her fingers threw my hair, I suddenly heard that beep again the same noise the maching made when the baby died, What the fuck?! I jumped back "Woah what's wrong?" I took a deep breath and exhaled, Nothing. I was going to do this I was going to get over Alena eventhough every bone in my body told me not to do this I didn't stop she sat back down where she was and pushed my head against her chest I kissed her breast and started taking them in my mouth I could hear her moan my name and I was starting to feel a little better "Take them off Bru" I leaned back against the headbord with her still on my lap I removed my boxers she seemed a little freaked out at first, Eh something wrong? "No my ex boyfriend just wasn't that..... How do I put this... gigantic?" I bursted out laughing, I'm happty to know that.. "Well I don't know if I can handle all that Bru." You'll be fine.. She got up and took of her thong and got back on my lap she sat up a little I heald her close to me, Ready? "Yes.." I lead myself inside of her slowly the last thing I wanted was to hurt her.. "Oh fuck yes" She started riding me and kissing me at the same time I closed my eyes, BAM Alena was now standing there looking at me this was getting really weird.. "Bru.... take...... over." You tired? She nodded, I pushed her back on the bed and lifted up one of her legs I made my strokes harder and faster making her moans shorter but louder I kissed her again trying to imagine she was Alena and that this all was just a dream.
Phil I really don't want to come alright? "Oh come on he's not even here we all miss you Alena.." I miss you guys too.. "THEN GET YOUR PRETTY ASS OVER HERE" I smiled a little, ok.. I took a shower first and changed into something more colorfull I don't know if it were the pills but I had been feeling much better... I think it was the Prozac. I got in the car and drove to the studio I made sure I had my pills I wasn't an addict or anything I just liked having them with me at all times I went inside the memoried all came back to me the nights I would spend here with Bruno the times we made love right here, shit.. I took a couple of steps back and hit the corner of the wall I bent down and took a deep breath, Calm down Alena.. I exhaled and got back up I dusted myself off and started walking towards the guys "ALENAAA" Phil jumped up and hugged me "Damn girl you look great we missed you!" Thanks Phil I missed you too.. "Wow you look way better then I expected" Thanks you.. I hugged all the guys and sat down, Everything was going great we were playing poker and talking about some usual stuff but then I had to open my mouth.. So how's Bruno? They all looked at the floor "Ok I guess" Phil said flatly, Oh.. "Awkwarddd" I chuckled, Nah it's ok it's been a month and a half.. "You guys seemed so happy tho if you guys can't make it I give up on love man.." I chuckled, Join the club.. "Hell yeah fuck love" I chuckled, We heard the door open and that familiar laugh filled my ears, Bruno. I saw him and it was like everything I was working on the depression everything just came back the feelings, shit.. "Oh..hey" Hi.. I saw someone behind him he started walking towards the couch and I saw, Michelle and were they holding hands? I looked at all the guys they sighed I looked at Phil He just whispered "I didn't know i'm sorry" I watched him she let go of his hands and kissed him that was just it my heart felt like it was being broken all over again.. I got up and accidentaly knocked over the chair, SHIT. I picked it back up but then I hit a vase filled with flowers shit this was getting too much, I'm so sorry.. I ran out of there as fast as I could I got to my car and sat down I grabbed my bag and just grabbed a couple of pills and swallowed them without thing how many they actually were I threw my head back ad closed my eyes I heard Phil's voice "Alena are you alright?" He sat down next to me and noticed the pills he grabbed them "Prozac?!" Antidepression.. "Depression?" This is what he did to me Phil i'm 25 and i'm taking Prozac.. Pretty fucked up hu? I chuckled, That's what you get for dating Mr. Bruno Mars you better go warn his little slut.. "How many did you take Alena?" I don't know a couple.. "How many are you supposed to take?!" I chuckled, one.. "FUCK" He got out and carried me to the backseat I was totally in another wolrd he started looking threw my bag for the keys "Where are the keys Alena?" Eh....inside.. "FUCKKKKK" He started running inside I wasn't really paying attention everything around me was just spinning..
I sat at the table just taking it what happened she was here.. "Baby calm down" Don't call me that. "What?" Don't call me baby Michelle I aint your baby.. "I knew it, I knew this would happen as soon as you saw her!" I'm really not in the mood to fight alright?! Suddenly Phil came bursting threw the door searching for something, What the hell are you doing "NO BRUNO WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU HAVE BEEN FUCKING AROUND WHILE THAT GIRL HAS BEEN TAKING PROZAC AND NOW BECAUSE OF THIS SHE HAS AN OVERDOSE" I just stared at him, Prozac? Overdose? Alena? No... I got up and started running to her car I carried her to my car and waited for Phil to get in we drove to the hospital I sat in the backseat just kissing her face and shaking her to wake up, Please baby please open your eyes why did you do this to yourself? I hugged her close she wasn't responding, God please don't take my angel away she's mine she's all I have I know I did some bad things in the future but I swear i'll make it up to you and to her just give her back please I can't live without her.. "Bruno check her pols" I grabbed her wrist and started feeling around trying to feel a pols, please baby, please don't leave me...