Chapter 13+14

01/07/2012 19:29
Chapter 13
 
I went back to the hospital, the nurse told me she had gone home I went to her room she had forgotten a lot of her stuff I started packing them and made my way to the car I threw the bag in the backseat and drove home I opened the door, all the lights were turned off I went upstairs and heard her cry I hated hearing her cry but what did you expect her to do.. It was then that I realised Alena wouldn't be the same ever again. I went back downstairs she told me she needed some time alone so I gave it to her I grabbed another bottle and started drinking it was all I did drink my pain away.. I closed my eyes seeing him in front of me he was perfect I remembered the day the docter pulled the plug that terrible noise that the machine made when he died. It kept playing over and over again in my head till it was slowly driving me insane.. Stop..Please stop.. I put my head in my hands and felt tears roll down my cheeks the sadness that I was feeling had reached a point that it turned into pain it was like somebody was stabbing me over and over again I went upstairs and passed his room I heard some noise come out of it I opened the door seeing Alena on the floor holding a teddybear we bought for him together I broke down I just kept staring at her It was killing me seeing her in such pain, Baby please stop.. "Bruno he's gone my baby he's gone.." I got up and hugged her I took the teddybear and put it in the crib I lifted her up she put her legs around my waist as I carried her to bed I covered her up with the blanket I heald her close to me all night we both didn't sleep I kept thinking about him this all was like a nightmare that never ended.. I got up she had fallen asleep a while ago I went downstairs and sat at the bar I grabbed a bottle and poured myself a drink it was morning but I didn't care I kept pouring myself glass after glass I heard her come downstairs she grabbed the glass and threw it in the sink "That's not the way and you know it" She heald my face and looked me in the eyes "You're not going to drink because of this got that?" I nodded she hugged me and ran her fingers threw my hair "We'll get through this" He was alive. She pulled back "What?!" When you gave birth I don't know if you remember but you blacked out after it anyway.. He was alive for a week but the docters said he wouldn't make it they did everything but it didn't work I was there when he died I heald his little hand and felt him turn cold Alena I can't get it out of my head.. She cried I expected her to leave right there but she didn't she hugged me and didn't let go untill we both stopped crying "How did he look?" He was beautiful just like you his hair and nose he had from his dad but the rest was all you.. She smiled a little but it faded everytime we thought of him we smiled but then reality slapped us in the face and reminded us he was gone. 
 
It's been a month since we lost the baby and I felt me and Bruno grow apart we wouldn't joke around or kiss or even speak for longer then ten minutes and the most important thing we hadn't said I love you to one another at all he would go to the studio a lot I would usually keep myself occupied with cleaning up around the house but at the end of the day I never forgot what happened I got a call from him but I missed it I called him back "Hey" Hi what's up? "I have to work late we're writing this song for a new artist" Oh ok.. "I'll be home around midnight so don't wait up" Ok bye, "Bye" He hung up I threw the phone on the couch and started crying I don't know why but the way he talked to me was so diffrent it was like the love between us was gone all of this made me think about Halia wow I havent thought about her in so long I'm only 25 and I have already lost my mother sister and child.. I thought about this month and everything that happened it was my birthday two weeks ago and Bruno didn't even remember I didn't say anything about it since I already knew he forgot I made dinner and made him a plate I figured he would be hungry when he got home I sat in front of the tv and watched some tv shows It was getting pretty late so I went upstairs I walked by the nursery I opened the door feeling tears gather up in my eyes but I didn't want to cry I cried enough I just wanted to be happy I went back downstairs and got a bag I threw everything in it, the clothes, the teddybears I put the bag in the garage, I went back and took the crib away after two houres I finally finished now it was just an empty room filled with a memory that I wont forget I leaned against the wall and fell to the ground I looked around me I felt so lonely the only light that filled the room was coming from the moon I started humming talking to the moon I finally got up and made my way to the bathroom I looked at my reflection it was like I turned into a completely new person I lost so much weight my eyes were red from all the crying I looked terrible but I didn't care it wasn't like Bruno payed a lot of attention to me anyway.. I took off my clothes and got in the shower I let the water run down my body I got out and dried myself off I put on something comfortable and got in bed I tossed and turned a little I was getting use to not having Bruno's arms around me he would sleep in the same bed as me but he wouldn't touch me and that hurted me but he acted as if he didn't even care.
 
I was writing a song for a singer her name was Michelle or something I didn't really care since I wasn't even paying attention I wasn't myself anymore I didn't talk to the guys when I came to work I didn't even talk to Alena I threw the notepad on the coffeetable and threw my head back I was tired, Phil when the hell is she coming?! "She just got back from Spain man chill out she'll be here" I'm tired as fuck why couldn't we just do this tomorrow? We heard a knock, Finally.. Ari opened I heard them say hello I didn't look up I was focused on finishing this damn song so I could get the hell out of here.. "Hi" I looked up seeing one of the most beautiful faces I have ever seen, Hey.. "I'm Michelle you're Bruno right?" Yes I am, I got up and shook her hand "So I heard you guys wrote a song for me?" "We did" Ari was looking at her all the time but you couldn't blame her she was drop dead gorgeous, "Ok but I think this song has to be like a duet don't you guys think?" Yeah that could work out we just have to find another singer "Bruno you could sing it you have a great voice" Like me and you? "Yeah why not?" Yeah that's cool with me "Alright so we can record it tomorrow if that's ok for you guys." It's cool with me. "Ok I'm going to let you guys go home see you in a tomorrow" Alright bye, We hugged goodbye damn she was the first women to ever catch my attention after I met Alena and in some way it freaked me out cause I didn't want to do anthing stupid. But she had this control about me when she was there I completely forgot about Alena and I hated myself for that "Bruno you coming with us or do you want to go home?" Where are you guys going? "A bar" Alright, I threw on my jacket and followed them to the car we drove to a club we all sat down and the guys were talking about something but I had no idea what "Oh Burno what did you get Alena or for her birthday?" What? "Her birthday it was like two weeks ago" Oh shit, I put my head in my hands, I forgot.. "Oh shit and she didn't say anything about it? Urbana would have killed me" No.. "Look I know you guys had you ups and downs and what happened with the baby that was hard it's something most couples wouldn't get through but you guys can cause the way you look at her and love her everybody knows she's the one for you don't let her get away cause the past is the past and you can't change it but you can change your future and I can assure you you wont be happy without her." His word hit me deep and he was right but I couldn't just go home and act like nothing happened I ignored her completely the past month and I know I hurted her bad and this whole thing with Michelle was just confusing me even more..I have to go home. "Alright man i'll see you on tuesday" Alright bye, I went to the car and drove home it was a little past three now so she was asleep I opened the door all the lights were off I went upstairs and took off my clothes quietly I got in bed and for the first time in a long time I put my arms around her and kissed her cheek she opened her eyes and moved around a little just before she closed them I whispered I love you in her ear "I love you too"
 
I put my arms around his neck, I missed you Bru.. "I know, I know I havent been here for you and i'm sorry for that but i'm here now and i'll never go away babe" Promise me, "I promise" I kissed her and I realised how much I had missed her I heald her close to me and ran my fingers threw her hair, I love you so much I looked her in the eyes and she smiled "I love you more" I lowered my hands from her face to her stumock, Shit baby you're thin as fuck "I'm not that thin" Babe you have to eat some more "I will the past couple of weeks have been hard so I didn't eat a lot." I'm going to make sure you do, And by the way Happy Birthday baby "You're a little late" I know i'm sorry but i'll make it up to you I promise "You sticking with me through all of this is enough babe you don't have to do anything els to make it up to me" Let's go to sleep babe "Alright goodnight" Goodnight, I pecked him on the lips and closed my eyes and fell asleep in his arms the next morning I woke up to an empty bed Bruno was already gone.. I went downstairs and ate breakfast there wasn't much to do so I got dressed and drove tot he studio I figured i'd surprise Bruno I parked the car and went inside I had a key anyway I heard some singing damn that sounded good, Hey guys. Phil and Ari turned around smiling the second they saw me "Hey girl" They both gave me a hug, Where's Bruno? "He's recording with Michelle" Michelle? Who the hell is Michelle? "A singer we wrote a song for she thought it should be a duet with Bruno" Oh really.. Can I go see? "Yeah sure" We went into the booth and stood in front of the glass watching them record they had no idea I was here they kept smiling at eachother and touching eachother I didn't like it not one bit. it ended they finally looked at me "Oh good the pizza's here" She came and gave me some money I shot her a look, Sweetie I'm not coming here to deliver pizza. "Oh did you guys order Chinees?" I was ready to punch her int he face but I felt Bruno grab my arm "Michelle this is my girlfriend" "Ohhh shit i'm sorry I thought that you were a pizzagirl you know with the jeans and t-shirt" Oh I didn't know there was something wrong with jeans.. "No I didn't mean it like that.." Well how did you mean it?! I was starting to get irritated "It's just-" "Michelle stop you don't have to explain yourself why don't you go listen to the song with Phil and Ari? "Ok.." They all left and closed the door behind them "What the hell was that?" SHE THOUGHT I DELIVERED PIZZA BRUNO SHE FUCKING THREW THE MONEY IN MY FACE. "Babe she didn't know" Well she could have fucking asked before she started making assumptions. "Babe can you not make such a big deal out of this and be nice?" Fine. We went back tot he sittingroom I sat on the couch and pulled out my phone I started texting while keeping an eye on her she would come way to close to Bruno but he acted as if he didn't mind at all, well I think he really didn't.
 
"Bru can we talk?" Sure what's up? "No like in private?" She looked at Alena then back at me I felt Alena grab a hold of my arm and squeeze "Eh sure" I pulled my arm back and shot her a look I followed her into the bathroom she shut the door behind us "Bru I don't think we can work with her around" Why what did she do? "She hates me.." I chuckled, she doesn't hate you.. "She was mentally stabbing me everytime I fucking touched you.." Look me and Alene have been threw some tough shit the last couple of months it made her a little... angry so she's like that a lot but when she gets to know you I'm sure she'll like you.. "I'm scared of her man.." Michelle she's really sweet just talk to her.. "Alright.." We went back outside seeing Alena and Phil sitting on the couch laughing, What's so funny? "Nothing we were just gossiping about you" Oh really was it about how good I can kiss? "No.." I leaned in and kissed her neck gently, Is it about how good I make love to you? I whispered in her ear. She pushed me back laughing "NO" I'm just playing with you baby, I kissed her and talked to her in a way that nobody els could hear us, Be nice to Michelle baby, please? "Alright.." Thank you, I kissed her forhead and went back to the booth I put the headphones on my ears and smiled, I felt like we were finally moving on. I looked at Michelle, she nodded I started singing the words
 
It's not a question of love cause out love has never changed.. But all the little things keep piling up and life keeps getting in the way.. Don't make it harder then it is we both know it'd come to this better now then in a year with lots of tears and we'll both hate eachother the fuse it already lost so how about a final kiss and just let it go? And stop the madness before it explodes... Before it's out of our control..
 
I looked up at Alena and she gave me a thumbs up I was really feeling this song it had so much emotion and we both sang it with so much passion I just knew a lot of people would be able to relate to this song, "That was great!" Yeah but it's not finished yet I just want it to be perfect.. "Bruno you're overthinking it stop being such a perfectionist man" Phil would always tell me that, stop overthinking it. But all I wanted was for the song to be perfect I guess it was but in my eyes it could always be better that was something I had to work on I just had to know when a song was done and stop wanting to improve it..
 
Bruno and her had to record the song a couple of times before we could leave I went back to the sitting area, "Damn she's fine.." I shot Ari and Ryan a look, you guys are such pervs.. "Don't worry Alena you hot too" Wow now i'm really flattered.. "Oh come on but you have to admit that girl is fine" Whatever.. "Is somebody jealous?" NO. They both started laughing "Well Bruno think so too.." Ari punched him in the arm and gave him the You're-so-stupid look, What did you just say? "Nothing.." No you said Bruno thinks so too? Does he thinks she's hot? Did he say that? "Maybe.." Ryan you're walking on thin ice.. "He just said she's hot that's it but i'm sure he thinks you're way hotter.." I could see the fear in his eyes, I chuckled, Ryan i'm just playing with you I know you guys think she's hot I aint stupid.. "Are you for real I almost shit my pants damn.." I laughed, I'm not one of those crazy girlfriends that freaks out the second her boyfriend looks at another girl.. "Really? Cause I thought all girls were like that" "Nah it's just the crazy bitches you date" Ari shot at him "You know I dated your sister" Ari's expression dropped and I bursted out laughing "You're such an ass man.." "You asked for it" I loved just watching them talk shit to eachother they would say some pretty mean things but at the end of the day they were still friends. Phil, Bruno and Michelle walked out of the booth with smiles on their faces, Are you guys done? "Yeah we're done" He sat down next to me and put his arms on my leg "You wanna go out?" Out where? "You know like to a club or something it's been a long time since we went out.." Yeah why not can we go home first so I can change? "Yeah sure oh and can Michelle borrow something so we don't have to make two stops?" Oh sure.. "Thanks" She smiled at me I smiled back but I knew we both couldn't stand eachother she was just that kind of person that I didn't like just everything about her pissed me off I didn't want to feel that way about her but I did. We drove to the house "Babe you and Michelle go we're going to wait here" Alright.. We walked to the frontdoor not saying anything to eachother this was beyong awkward. We went upstairs I opened the door to my closet and looked at all my dresses "Do you have like a black strapless dress?" Oh sure.. I pulled out the dress Bruno gave me for our five years anniversary it ment a lot to be and she better not fuck it up. Here you go. "Wow it's beautiful.." I smiled, go try it on.. "Ok" she went to the bathroom I looked at all my dresses I just grabbed a simple one I knew Bruno loved I put on some heels and fixed my make-up I looked in the mirror smiling I was starting to look like my old self again "I'm done!" She came out looking great, Wow you look great "Auw thanks you look beautiful" Thank you, We went donwstairs and started walking towards the car the guys started whisteling, Oh shut up "Hey sexy!" I shot Bruno a look and chuckled we drove to the club I promissed myself that I was going to have a good night and not worry about everything that's been going on the past two months..
 
We got in the club and started dancing immediately I grabbed Alena by her hips while she moved to the beat damn she looked fine.. She turned around facing me with her back I grabbed her close and kissed her neck, You look great babe.. "Thank you" I looked over at the guys they were all sitting at a table laughing, I noticed Michelle sitting there she didn't look too amused.. "Dance with her" What? "She's not having a good time babe go dance with her i'll just dance with Ryan or something" Alright, Oh and don't let them grab you those guys are nasty. She chuckled, "I wont" We both started walking their way she grabbed Ryan's hand and pulled him to the dancefloor, may I have this dance? She looked up and smiled "Of course" She grabbed my hand and followed me she put her hands around my neck and started moving her hips against me It was a little too close but Alena saw us and she didn't look mad or anything she got a little closer to my ear I heard her whisper something but I didn't hear her, What? I said a little louder tying to overpower the music "I said I want you" I looked at her in mock horror I was kinda shocked I didn't really know what to say.. Michelle.. I have Alena.. "I know I know but i'm just saying if that doesn't work out or if you ever want to try something diffrent i'm here." Ok.. We went back to our table I grabbed a shot and took it slamming the glass on the table I was still kinda shocked about what just happened Alena and Ryan came back laughing, Babe come here.. She sat on my lap and put one arm around my neck she started kissing me I could taste the alcohol I think that's why she didn't mind Michelle dancing with me.. She started kissing my neck "I want you so bad" I smirked and shook my head she would go crazy when she was drunk.. I looked at Michelle she looked like she was having the time of her life she would occasionally look my way and smile I would smile back but inside I was still getting over what she said to me I doubted if I should say anything to Alena she would freak out and kill me if I ever said her name but it's not like I said that I would do it but I knew she would be mad if she found out that I didn't tell her I just pushed it to the back of my head "You want to go home?" Why we're having a good time."Cause I want you in my bed" I bit my lip and got up, Guys we got to go.. "Oh somebody is getting it in tonight!" I shot Ryan a look, As a matter of fact I am what about you? He flipped me off. I said goodbye to everybody I suddenly felt Michelle grab my hand before I walked out Alena was already outside "I know you'll be thinking of me when you make love to her baby" She kissed my cheek gently and made her way back to the table. What The Fuck.We got a taxi we couldn't even stop kissing all the way home I loved that she would let me do this she would never let me when she was sober we got home we we're already making out when we got to the bed I took off her clothes as fast as I could damn I wanted her bad I didn't bother taking of my shirt all those buttons would take way too long anyway I just unzipped my pant and pulled them down a little I entered her "Oh god yes" I started kissing her neck she was moaning right into my ear that turned me on even more I lifted up her leg making myself go deeper I was so drunk I had no idea what I was doing but listening to the moans she was making I think I was doing fine, I went faster and closed my eyes, oh fuck Michelle! I froze. "What?" I just stared at her and she did the same "Get off." Babe.. "GET OFF" I got off of her and pulled up my pants, Babe.. "Don't." She covered herself up with the blanket and lied down I had no idea where that came from but I was drunk and everything that happened with Michelle was still on my mind but I knew Alena and something like that must have hurt her pretty bad, I put my hand around her waist she didn't do anything eventhough she was awake I buried my head in her neck, babe? She didn't say anything. Baby please i'm so sorry I can explain "Don't touch me" Alena... She got up and went downstairs I threw my head back and groaned, FUCK. I changed into something more comfortable and went downstairs I wasn't going to sleep untill she had forgiven me anyway
 
I sat on the couch just thinking about what just happened this felt like it was the final drop for me no more chances this was it he came downstairs "Baby please.." He tried grabbing my hand but I pulled away, Don't touch me. "Baby please.." DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME. "Alena please I said I was sorry.." I think we should take a break... "What?!" I just don't feel the same anymore.. "What are you talking about Alena?!" I don't love you like I used to anymore.. "Are you for real right now? SO ALL THESE YEARS THE I LOVE YOU MORE NO I LOVE YOU MORE DISCUSSIONS THEY WERE ALL BULLSHIT WELL YOU KNOW WHAT NOTHING NEW I KNEW YOU DIDN'T I WAS JUST STUPID ENOUGH TO BELIEVE MY OWN LIES, I punched the wall I didn't even care that my fist was bleeding "I never said that wasn't true alright?! I love you I just don't feel like I used to.." Thta's straight up BULLSHIT, You know when the baby was coming I thought "DONT YOU DARE TALK ABOUT HIM PETER" OR WHAT? YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS TE RIGHT TO CARE OR BE SAD ABOUT IT WELL NO ALENA I WAS HIS FATHER I HEALD HIS HAND WHEN HE DIED DID YOU EVEN ASK ME IF I WAS ALRIGHT AFTER DID YOU LOOK AFTER ME? NO YOU DIDN'T YOU WERE TOO BUSY MAKING EVERYTHIN BE ABOUT YOU. "I hate you get out of my house RIGHT NOW!" We were really getting in eachothers face it was just second till it would get really bad I had no control over myself what so ever and I could just see the anger in his eyes that was scaring me but I didn't let it show, Fine but don't expect me to come back Alena cause we're over you said it yourself." Fine get out.I sat on the couch and bursted out crying I can't believe the way this night ended just as everything was going right it started going wrong why did good things always turn into the things that make you want to just get up and leave just go to sleep and not ever open your eyes. He came back downstairs holding a bag, So this is it? "You caused it" Oh did I yell another persons name while sex? Oh no THAT WAS YOU! "Did I lie for years in the other your face about how much I loved you, No THAT WAS YOU ALENA. Well good news I don't love you like I used to I DON'T LOVE YOU PERIOD AS A MATTER OF FACT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU." I just stared at him not believing the person in front of me was Bruno, Well you know what bruno WHY DONT YOU JUST GO AND GET HIT BY A FUCKING CAR SEE IF I CARE "WHY DONT YOU GO FIRST?!" GO TO HELL BRUNO "JOIN ME" He stormed out of the door leaving me there I collapsed I sat there on the floor just crying and screaming the pain that I was just getting over came back to me but ten times worst..
 
I sat there in the rain in front of my house, well my old house hearing her cry and scream something was telling me to go back but I didn't move I just sat there why do we always have to fight can't we for once just be happy? I got out my phone and hit the call button I didn't care who I was calling I just needed someone to get me out fo here "Hello? Bruno have you looked at the time.." Michelle I need you..
 
Chapter 14.

 
I sat on the couch wrapping myself up in the blanket I closed my eyes picturing it were Bruno's arms wrapped around me picturing him in my head was the only way I could get through these weeks I heard a knock on the door I didn't want to talk to anybody, "I know you're there Alena let me in we need to talk girl!" I still didn't move, just go away please I whispered under my breath.. "Fine I know there's a key under the mat!" Shit.. She came inside and sighed when she saw me "Oh girl.." I looked at her, He's gone Sofia.. "He'll come back" He said he wouldn't care if I got hit my a bus I think he wont. "Look we all say some crazy shit when we're hurt but he doesn't mean it that man loves you.. "I don't know anymore everything just seemes so hopeless I have nothing to live for anymore it's like everybody I care for is just slipping away first I lose Halia then my mom then the baby now Bruno? No. I can't handle this I need something to just numb this pain anything Sofia.. "What do you have in mind?" You know what I mean. "Hell to the fuck no Alena you're not turning into some junky for him you're young, beautiful ,talented, smart you think you're the only one who's heart has ever been broken? No you're not we all have been through this at some point I know you have a lot of shit going on and a lot of bad things have happened in your life but you're strong and you can overcome this if you really want to you got that?" I don't know Sofia.. I just don't know anymore "We'll get through this I promise.." I try calling him sometimes I pick up the phone dial his number put then I just freez I can't move and I just drop the phone it's like I have no control over myself anymore.. "You need to go see a docter" What so he can fix my broken heart? A docter can't do shit about this.. "No i'm worried about you you should like go see a psychologist.." Hell no the last thing I want is to be forced into a room and talk about my feeling to a complete stranger.. "No really," She grabbed a car out of her purse and gave it to me "He helped me a lot when me and Brandon ended seriously do this for me you'll feel a lot better I promise.." Ok.. I grabbed the card, Dr. Blanchard? "Yeah he's kinda old but really nice he really understand you" When he loses a child mother and sister at age 25 and then breakes up with his boyfriend after 6 years then he can say he understands me. "Alena.." Just saying..
 
"Bru?" Hmm.. "How are you feeling sleepyhead?" Like crap thanks for asking.. "Auw forget about her you have me" I looked up at her she was barely wearing anything but I didn't care I wanted Alena, fuck it I needed Alena..She suddenly pushed me on my back and sat on my lap "You're so cute" I smirked, thanks.. "Tell me what happened" I'd rather not.. "Bruno the only way to get over it is by talking about it.." I took a deep breath, When we went back home the other night... We you know, Started making out and shit when we went a little further.. I could tell she wasn't enjoying this part of the story a lot, Well when I almost reached that...point. I screamed out... Oh Michelle. her eyes widened I knew she was trying not to laugh "For real?" You think I would make this up?"Ok, carry on" Well she got mad and started saying she didn't love me the way I loved her and shit we got into this huge fight and I just left.. "Bruno my heart has been broken so many times, I tought myself to build this wall around myself making it impossible for anyone to enter my little...comfort zone I would have sex with men just to have sex no meaning no feelings just to be sure I wouldn't get hurt in the end, You know what draw me to you? When I first looked into those eyes I felt that wall collapsing like my heart and sould were telling me to go for it, And I will but not now I want you to get over this, over her I want you to be able to tell me you're ready to start a new chapter in your life and that the chapter about Alena and You is done. Can you tell me that? I thought about what she said I respected her for opening up to me like that but I didn't feel same way I don't think I ever will feel the same for another women like I felt for Alena, I need time Michell.. Can you give me the time I need? "Take all the time you want." I smiled, Thanks. "Can I kiss you?" I put my hand on her cheek and leaned in I kissed her genlty and pulled back I didn't feel a thing no spark no love nothing. I'm going to go out.. "Ok.." I put on some shoes and started driving to the nearest liquer store I went isnde taking every bottle that had the most alcohol in it I drove back to her house I went insde she was getting ready for something, Where are you going? "Oh I have a show i'll be back in a couple of houres" Oh alright.. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a glass I poured myself a little bit of everything and took sip after sip "Alright I have to go" Bye.. "Don't do anything stupid ok?" Ok.. "Bye Bru" She grabbed me by the back of my neck and kissed me hard and kinda sudden she didn't even give me a chance to respond before I knew it I actually felt her toung in my mouth, Woaah ok there you're going to be late.. "Yeah I better go" Bye.. "Oh and by the way, you are a great kisser" I smiled a little, bye. "Bye sexy" She left, I closed the door behind her, Wow.. I went back to the kitchen and started strumming some chords on my guitar while taking a sip after every line I sang.. 
 
I'd catch a Grenade for ya... Throw my hand on a blade for ya... I'd jump in front of a train for ya... Baby I'd do anything for ya.. I would go threw all this pain... Take a bullet straight threw my brain.. Yes I would die for ya baby. But you wont do the same...
 
I wiped away the tears that were slowly running down my face.. Why wont she just do the same.. I put my head in my hands and started crying this was the first time after the break up that I actually started crying like this it was actually just hitting me that me and her were over I took another bottle out and just started drinking from the bottle I kept drinking like the pain would just dissapeare but it didn't it never would till I had Alena back in my arms but that seemed impossible..
 
This is so stupid. "Stop nagging.." I put on my shades and got in the car I wasn't in the mood to go to this psychologist but Sofia insisted we got to his office "Ok get out i'll pick you up at five "What the fuck am I going to do in three houres.. "JUST GO" Ugh fine.. I went inside "Oh hello are you Mrs.Jackson?" Yeah that's me.. "Ok Dr.Blanchard is waiting, follow me" I followed her she stopped in front of a door "Go inside he's waiting" I opened the door it was a really big office with one of those chairs you have to lie down on like you see in the movies wow I didn't think they actually had that.. "Oh Alena welcome" Hi.. "Ok just lie down we're going to talk not about the problems that are going on now but just about you I want to know who Alena Jackson really is." Alright.. I lied down "Ok tell me how did it all start?" Well... I was born in 1985, on January 9 uh I have a brother and a sister, god bless her soul. "Oh so your sister passed?" Yes. "Ok we'll get to that later carry on" Ok my brother's name is Kai and my sisters name was Halia.. "Ok and what about your parent" My mom passed away too. "Ok, So what about your dad?" I froze. I didn't like talking about my father the only people that knew about my father and I were Bruno, Sofia and Kai. Can we talk about that later? "Will the fact that you tell me now or later make a diffrence in what happened?" No.. "Then why wait?" I sighed.. My father's name is David Jackson I don't know if he's dead or alive honestly I don't care he left my mother, me and my sibling when I was eight I don't mind cause he was a terrible father he would beat me and abuse my baby sister him leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me. "What were your father's last words to you when he left?" I closed my eyes and the day he left came back to me.. I'll be back. "Did he come back?" No. "Do you want him to come back?" No of course not. "Ok.. So tell me some more how was your childhood from when you were eight.." I spent every single day surfing and taking pictures of everything I loved photography I stopped when I was in high school. "Why?" I don't know I just did .. "How was high school for you?" It was four years of absolute torture. "Why would you say that?" Cause I hated school I hated sitting on a chair for eight houres straight five days a week "How about friends?" Yeah I was ok with making friend I was always a social person I didn't have problems with making new friends.. "I see and what about after high school" Well then comes the main reason why I am so fucked up today. "Tell me more." Peter Gene Hernandez. "A boy?" Yes a boy. "What did he do?" He changed my life. "In what way?" We started dating he's a musiscian you might know him Bruno Mars "Ah yes" Well we moved here to LA to get a better chance in succeeding in the music business "How were the first couple of years?" Tough.. I worked four jobs everyday but we made it.. "Ok and did anything special happen in those years till now?" Well my siser and mother died" How? "My sister drowned in a surf accident I needed to keep an eye on her I didn't she drowned end of story. "Do you blame yourself?" Everyday. I felt a tears escape my eyes, "What about your mother?" She died in a caraccident "How was your relationship with your mother?" Great untill Halia died she blamed me an said I died along with her after that I found out she regretted saying it when we wanted to get back in touch she died. "Ok... And this Bruno what about him?" Well I found out I was pregnant a couple of months ago.. I started crying again, I'm sorry this gets me really emotional "Don't apologize" I wiped away my tears and stayed strong "Ok and?" I lost the baby when we found out it kinda sepperated us you know we both turned so bitter to a point were both of us couldn't handle it "Are you with him now?" No. "Why?" We broke up "Why?" We had a fight that led to something we both didn't want but just needed to happen. "Ok, Alena what I see now is a brokenhearted girl that's been through a lot in her life you need to really know who you are in order to get on with your life it seems like you describe yourself with Bruno and your past when actually you are Alena Jackson a girl that's been through a lot and needs help you act to strong when actually you are falling apart on the inside do you understand?" Yes.. "Ok Alena I want you to tell me how you feel right now." Like i'm stuck in this black hole where I can't get out of I feel hopeless and sometimes I cry without a reason about things that I wouldn't even have payed attention to when I was younger everything feels like i'm moving in slow motion people irritate me getting up in the morning is harder then it used to be I feel like there's a glass door between me and the world like I don't fit in when I smile it just feels awkward and I don't know I just feel...wrong. "Alena tell me your biggest fear." Loneliness. "Alena I'm pretty sure you're dealing with a serious case of depression" Well we all feel depressed sometimes I could have figured that out "No I mean real depression this is like an illness you need to take some medication and slowly on you'll feel better" Medication? "Yes I'll give you some Prozac to begin with and you need to come see me every week" Ok..
 
I sat on the floor strumming my guitar I looked around at all the bottles spread out across the floor I grabbed my glass and took another sip
 
All alone, in my room..waiting for, for this phone to ring she'll come home someday soon, I just know or am I imagining things? The voices in my head keep saying, she's coming back to you..
 
She's not coming back Bruno who the fuck are you kidding? I said to myself while taking yet another sip from the almost empty bottle, fuck.. I grabbed the bag. Empty.. I got up my head was spinning a little, damn.. I got my car keys and started walking towards the car, I was asking myself if I should drive drunk.. No don't be stupid Bruno.. I heard the frontdoor open "Bruno?" In here.. She came into the kitchen her eyes widened seeing all this mess "Bru don't tell me you drank all of this by yourself.." Ok, I didn't drink all of this by myself.. "Don't play around with me." You told me to say so.. She sighed and bent down "lets get you to bed" Will you join me? She bit her lip "Of course" It was like the alcohol was taking over.. She helped me up and we went to bed I didn't care that she was standing there I just started taking off my clothes and got in bed with only some boxers on "You want to sober up frist?" How? "Coffee or something" Yeah sure.. "Alright.." She went downstairs and came back with some coffee after a while "Here you go" I started taking small sips it did help not a lot but it helped.. "Alright i'm going to sleep downstairs" What? Hell no sleep with me. "Bruno this better not be the alcohol speaking." Oh come on I can handle alcohol.. Total lie I really couldn't.. "Ok." She started taking off her clothes "Turn around" Why? "I want to put on my PJ's" You don't need PJ's, I was determined to get over Alena whatever it took I would have sex with her if that would make this pain just go away. "Bru.." You want me right? "More then anything.." And I want you what's the problem? "Nothing.." Then get in here... She bit her lip and took off her clothes leaving her underwair and a t-shirt on she got in bed with me I immediately started grabbing her by her waist and pulling her towards me, You're really beautiful.. "Thank you" She smiled and kissed me, Why couldn't I stop thinking of Alena? It's been weeks man come on.. I kissed her harder just trying to forget about Alena and ignore this feeling "Bru wait" I pulled back, what? "Can we talk first?" Of course what do you want to talk about? "How old are you?" I chuckled, Seriously you don't know? "No I figured you'd be around 24" I'm 25 what about you? "21" Seriously? You look older "Well thanks I guess.." You're still hot tho, I kissed her gently "Ok we talked enough" I chuckled, She sat up and suddenly took off her t-shirt revealing everything I guess she wasn't wearing a bra. I sat up too and took her on my lap I kissed her neck as she ran her fingers threw my hair, I suddenly heard that beep again the same noise the maching made when the baby died, What the fuck?! I jumped back "Woah what's wrong?" I took a deep breath and exhaled, Nothing. I was going to do this I was going to get over Alena eventhough every bone in my body told me not to do this I didn't stop she sat back down where she was and pushed my head against her chest I kissed her breast and started taking them in my mouth I could hear her moan my name and I was starting to feel a little better "Take them off Bru" I leaned back against the headbord with her still on my lap I removed my boxers she seemed a little freaked out at first, Eh something wrong? "No my ex boyfriend just wasn't that..... How do I put this... gigantic?" I bursted out laughing, I'm happty to know that.. "Well I don't know if I can handle all that Bru." You'll be fine.. She got up and took of her thong and got back on my lap she sat up a little I heald her close to me, Ready? "Yes.." I lead myself inside of her slowly the last thing I wanted was to hurt her.. "Oh  fuck yes" She started riding me and kissing me at the same time I closed my eyes, BAM Alena was now standing there looking at me this was getting really weird.. "Bru.... take...... over." You tired? She nodded, I pushed her back on the bed and lifted up one of her legs I made my strokes harder and faster making her moans shorter but louder I kissed her again trying to imagine she was Alena and that this all was just a dream.
 
Phil I really don't want to come alright? "Oh come on he's not even here we all miss you Alena.." I miss you guys too.. "THEN GET YOUR PRETTY ASS OVER HERE" I smiled a little, ok.. I took a shower first and changed into something more colorfull I don't know if it were the pills but I had been feeling much better... I think it was the Prozac. I got in the car and drove to the studio I made sure I had my pills I wasn't an addict or anything I just liked having them with me at all times I went inside the memoried all came back to me the nights I would spend here with Bruno the times we made love right here, shit.. I took a couple of steps back and hit the corner of the wall I bent down and took a deep breath, Calm down Alena.. I exhaled and got back up I dusted myself off and started walking towards the guys "ALENAAA" Phil jumped up and hugged me "Damn girl you look great we missed you!" Thanks Phil I missed you too.. "Wow you look way better then I expected" Thanks you.. I hugged all the guys and sat down, Everything was going great we were playing poker and talking about some usual stuff but then I had to open my mouth.. So how's Bruno? They all looked at the floor "Ok I guess" Phil said flatly, Oh.. "Awkwarddd" I chuckled, Nah it's ok it's been a month and a half.. "You guys seemed so happy tho if you guys can't make it I give up on love man.." I chuckled, Join the club.. "Hell yeah fuck love" I chuckled, We heard the door open and that familiar laugh filled my ears, Bruno. I saw him and it was like everything I was working on the depression everything just came back the feelings, shit.. "Oh..hey" Hi.. I saw someone behind him he started walking towards the couch and I saw, Michelle and were they holding hands? I looked at all the guys they sighed I looked at Phil He just whispered "I didn't know i'm sorry" I watched him she let go of his hands and kissed him that was just it my heart felt like it was being broken all over again.. I got up and accidentaly knocked over the chair, SHIT. I picked it back up but then I hit a vase filled with flowers shit this was getting too much, I'm so sorry.. I ran out of there as fast as I could I got to my car and sat down I grabbed my bag and just grabbed a couple of pills and swallowed them without thing how many they actually were I threw my head back ad closed my eyes I heard Phil's voice "Alena are you alright?" He sat down next to me and noticed the pills he grabbed them "Prozac?!" Antidepression.. "Depression?" This is what he did to me Phil i'm 25 and i'm taking Prozac.. Pretty fucked up hu? I chuckled, That's what you get for dating Mr. Bruno Mars you better go warn his little slut.. "How many did you take Alena?" I don't know a couple.. "How many are you supposed to take?!" I chuckled, one.. "FUCK" He got out and carried me to the backseat I was totally in another wolrd he started looking threw my bag for the keys "Where are the keys Alena?" Eh....inside.. "FUCKKKKK" He started running inside I wasn't really paying attention everything around me was just spinning..
 
I sat at the table just taking it what happened she was here.. "Baby calm down" Don't call me that. "What?" Don't call me baby Michelle I aint your baby.. "I knew it, I knew this would happen as soon as you saw her!" I'm really not in the mood to fight alright?! Suddenly Phil came bursting threw the door searching for something, What the hell are you doing "NO BRUNO WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU HAVE BEEN FUCKING AROUND WHILE THAT GIRL HAS BEEN TAKING PROZAC AND NOW BECAUSE OF THIS SHE HAS AN OVERDOSE" I just stared at him, Prozac? Overdose? Alena? No... I got up and started running to her car I carried her to my car and waited for Phil to get in we drove to the hospital I sat in the backseat just kissing her face and shaking her to wake up, Please baby please open your eyes why did you do this to yourself? I hugged her close she wasn't responding, God please don't take my angel away she's mine she's all I have I know I did some bad things in the future but I swear i'll make it up to you and to her just give her back please I can't live without her.. "Bruno check her pols" I grabbed her wrist and started feeling around trying to feel a pols, please baby, please don't leave me...

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