We walk down the road that goes straight to the park where we used to go for rare but lovely picnics last summer when the crew had some days off. We went there with Phil, his wife and sons, Phred and his fiance, Jam, Eve and some other friends. But never on our own. Memories come to my mind...
„He will be a great dad!“ Urbana said to me while watching Bruno jumping around with Phils son carrying on his back.
That lil boy was laughing out so loud and almost fell off of Bruno because of that. But Bruno catched him and swung him back on his back. He was neighing like a horse while lil Phil ordered him: „Faster, lil horse, faster!“
I smiled a little but then got serious again: „Yeah, I know. I just hope that he would take more time when the baby’s here. I’m tired of doing everything on my own. I have to buy all the baby stuff, go to the doctor alone and all that shit. I so hate it. But the hardest part is the lonely nights and...“
Urbana interrupted me: „Hey girl! You’re talking to me! What should I say? I’m here with this 2 kids on my own! But I understand how u feel. At least Phil was with me through pregnancy and the first 6 months..." She says empathetically. "If you need someone to go to prenatal classes with you just call me. I’m thankful for every minute off.“
„Yeah, that would be great. Thanks! But anyway it would feel different when Bruno comes with me...“ I sighed.
At this time I was already pregnant for 6 months. Bruno was touring all the time and if he had some days free, we spent it with the band or friends or family, because everybody wanted to see him. We only were alone when we were sleeping. I really was tired of all that. It wasn't only that I got bigger and bigger, couldn't go party and drink alcohol anymore or travel around with Bruno. No it was more than that I didn't feel ready yet to be a 'Mom'. Bruno lived on the good champaign life while I had to care about the house and prepare for the baby. Yes, I was jealous of him and also angry that he didn't do anything to make me feel better. No he was just acting like the 'superstar' who everybody loves and pretend to be a caring husband and future dad. But in fact we hadn't time for US for months now.
„Hey mommy!“ Bruno yelled at me, knowing that I feel awkward to be called like that.
He ran towards me. The kid wasn’t on his back anymore but beside him. They figured out a new game. They filled some balloons with water and threw it on each other. Brunos hair and head were already totally wet.
„Catch it!“ He threw a ballon at me. Of course I didn’t catch it and it bursted right on my head.
„Are you mad?!“ I screamed furious. „Now my hair is a totally mess. Do you want me to get ill, or what?“
„Sorry, babe. I...“ Bruno said calm and his smiling happy face turned into a serious, disappointed one.
„Don’t say sorry! I go home now! I had enough of this childish games!“ I yelled and walked away angry.
He stood there frozen for some seconds. Then he walked after me.
The rest of the day I didn’t speak a word with him. He tried to talk to me, apologized. He didn’t understand why I was acting like that.
But the fact was I hated myself to be so stubborn and... foolish. Instead of having a great time with him I destroyed everything because I was exhausted and selfish and lonely.
„Bruno“, I break the silence on our walk towards the park „was it because I changed?“
„What do you mean?“
„You know... Did you... sleep with that other woman because I wasn’t anymore the same than at the beginning? I know I changed my behaviour a lot through pregnancy. Now I recnognized it. I really was a... uncool, selfish bitch! I’m so sorry!“
„Hm. I’m glad you said that by yourself“, he grins shortly. „No, but seriously, Sabrina...“ he stopps and takes both of my hands „...no matter how incomprehensibly or... some times whacky... you were, I had no right to cheat on you! During your pregnancy, while I left you alone at home with all the baby-preparing issues. Man, how could I do that?!“ He shakes his head and looks on the floor. „I would do anything to make that up to you!“
„Hold me. Just hold me tight.“ I whisper and shed some tears.
He puts his arms around me me and caress my head.
A shiver runs down my spine, being so close to him, being touched by him so gently again after so long time. I can feel his heartbeat, smell his perfume, hear his breath right beside my ear. I close my eyes and wish this moment lasts forever.
Suddenly a crazy picture comes to my mind. I see him on top of another woman, naked, kissing her passionately.
I open my eyes startled and free myself out of his arms. I step backwards. My hands push against his chest. I look in his eyes but can’t stand his view long and turn my body sidewards.
„What’s wrong?“, he asks confused.
„Nothing. I just got that picture in my mind of you and..." I response my face and body turning away from him.
„Another woman“, he ends my sentence and takes my hand. „I feel so bad about that. Seeing you now being so hurt. What can I do? Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?“
„I don’t know.“ I reply. „I just need time... time to get over it, I think.“
„Yeah probably you need time, but you need more than that to get over it. You need to fall in love with me again... and you need to feel MY love for you! I know what I’m gonna do. Wait here just a minute. I have to call some people.“ He says and walks away so far that I can’t hear what he’s talking.
I watch him while he’s calling. His fingers run through his hair and he gestures a lot with his hands. I have to smile because I know these gestures. He’s trying to convince someone to do something for him. He uses his charm and when he succeeds he does this ‚strike’-pose. Yeah, there it is.
After 3 calls he comes back to me.
„Baby, let’s go. It’s gonna be a long day.“ He smiles allover his face and drags me down the street we were walking back to his car. I feel like a piano.
When we are in the car, I ask: „Where are we going? We have to pick up Sam.“
„Eve looks after Sam until we are back. And where we are going is a surprise.“
We drive a while. I see the signs lead to the airport. „We go to the airport. Where do you wanna take me?“
„Surprise, my dear.“
„But I wanna know. Please gimme a hint.“ I beg him.
„No! If I do it’s no surprise anymore.“
„Please! Pleeeeeeeeeaaaase!“ I try my best.
„Please! Please! Please! Please! I won’t stop until you gimme a hint. Please! Please! Please!...“ I beg like a child.
„Okay, okay. Anyway you will see at the airport where we are flying to.
All I let you know is: YOU have to fall in love with ME again! And you have to feel MY love for YOU again.“ He starts to sing. "It’s been so long since we had time. Let’s take this day and make everything right... Let’s runaway to the place where love first found us... All I need is one day. I promise this day will change everything.“
I sit back in my seat. And look straight. We almost arrived at the airport. I smile and say full of expectations and happiness: “New York! You take me either to the train station in Brooklyn where we first met or to Roseland Ballroom where we actually fell in love... And... I want you to know one thing, Bruno... I still love you. This never changed!“
„I know, my darling. But I haven’t showed you MY love for a long time. That’s why I wanna take you there. So that we can start again!“
„I love you.“ I whisper looking at him with a smile on my face.
He takes my hand, kiss it and intertwines it with his. „I love you, too!“
We arrive at the airport. Bruno parks the car and we go inside. Our flight starts in 40 minutes. We go through security check and buy some water and chocolate. After that the boarding starts and we enter the plane. The flight takes about 5 hours. We watch movies, read the magazines, make fun about the other people in the plane and Bruno sings silently his new songs to me.
I not only AM up high in the sky. I actually feel like I’m in heaven right now.
Like he can read my thoughts, Bruno starts to sing: „I’ll take you to the top, girl...yeah... Top of the world... Ready?... Come on!... Till the day that I stop livin', girl my love I won't stop givin'. Cross my heart and hope to die my love is yours. And I pray girl that this feeling is something that we always feelin'. If you're with it girl, hear me girl. This is what I'll do. I will give you the world. Put it in your hands... Whooohoooo... It feels so good, baby... And I won't take you for granted next to you is where I'm standing... Just take my hand... We can float to the sky, baby just you and I. Never let you go. Just take my hand. So many things I wanna show you girl. While we're on top of the world... Wooohooooo.“
„You’re crazy, Bruno.“ I say to him smiling.
„Yup, crazy for you, babe.“ He answers and takes my hand. „I’m so happy to have you back. Here beside me that’s were you supposed to be. And noone or nothing will change that. Never!“
I look at him, caress his cheek and pull his face to mine. We kiss. First just a little bit then with more passion. It feels so good kissing him again. His lips still are so soft, gentle but also full of passion. This time no picture of him with another woman comes to my mind. Far from it! Instead there comes a warm feeling all over my body and I whisper in his ear: „Baby, you know how I feel right now?“
He whispers back in my ear: „I can guess. But let me know.“
„Ok. I... I just can’t wait to feel all of you!“
He smiles at me, bits his lips and says: “Oh honey, me too. And it’s gonna be perfect. Just like our first time.“
„We’re going to land in 10 minutes. Please secure the table in front of you, fasten your seat belts and prepare for landing. Thanks.“ The stewardess interrupts us.
We do what she said while our minds go crazy and our bodies yearn for each other.
While the plane lands I think to myself ’I can’t believe we’re doing that. I never thought when I woke up this morning that it will come this way. How crazy is life? My life of love?’
Was it already the right time? Time to move on? Time to live again? Time to finally live the life we had planned, we want and think to deserve? I just hope that God forgave me my sins and doesn’t let me suffer any longer. I really hope. Or was it all going too fast again too be well?