Chapter 68

21/03/2012 20:22

I found myself back in London town again, touring all over again. The last month life has been taking me for a ride. Everytime I turned around and something was going good, I would come across some memories and everything would turn sour again. I had never even pictured myself being without Diamond at this time of my life. I had told her that if I ever lost her that I would spend the rest of my days trying to find my way back. But, each and every day that phrase was not meaning much to me anymore. It’s like we’re strangers and it hurts because I can feel that she’s hurting. We had never wanted any of that to happen, it was just life. I spend some nights asking god why, and of course I get no answer. I just got to keep doing what I’m doing and keeping my dream alive. Music is all I know. “You about ready to head out?” Phil said popping his head into my room. I rubbed down my jeans, “Yeah I guess so..” He stepped in, “You alright?” I shrugged and nodded at the same time unsure of my feelings anymore. “I don’t know Phil.. it’s hard to think about, but at the same time it’s constantly on my mind.” “I’m sure ya’ll will get back together.. she said awhile right..?” “Yeah awhile.. but I didn’t think we wouldn’t even talk you know.. this is almost torture..” He smirked, “Time Brunz.. time..” I took a deep breath, “Alright let’s go..”

I sat there in the lawn chair looking up to the sky, it was the perfect temperature today and I had been out here all afternoon just thinking. Bruno crossed my mind more than he had been in the past month today. I so badly wanted to pick up the phone and call him, but I just didn’t know anymore. I hadn’t talked to him, and he hadn’t tried to contact me, so what if he had just moved on already. It’s hard to think about life without him, and I haven’t ever pictured myself in anyone else’s arms. When you’re with the same person for years like that, you kind of forget how to date. Ever since that incident with Leon a couple of weeks ago, I’ve just stayed away from guys in general. Every night it’s getting harder and harder for me to just lay there alone. Some nights, I’d have dreams about Bruno that felt so real, and then I’d wake up and realize that it’s no more. Of course I wanna run back, I wanna run back so fast but, what will that do? My heart is with him, and it’ll always be. I’ll never love another human being on this planet as much as I love him but, maybe it was time for me to try something new. Maybe this all happened for a reason and it would all be better in the end. Sometimes I sit back and think, what if god was just saving something from happening to the both of us. Sometimes I wonder if he actually thinks about me as much as I think about him.

After 3 shows, 3 straight days I finally got a day off to adventure around. It seemed like now the only time when I didn’t think about other things was when I was up on stage. Everything I was frustrated or upset about I let it out on my guitar and the microphone. When I wasn’t performing I was writing or in interviews. I was really starting to get busy and popular around the world. Phone calls left and right of people that want to buy songs that I’ve written and people asking me to feature on a song. Things we’re moving fast and it was good and all, but I still had that huge whole in my heart. I keep telling myself that she’s moved on now, and that I should do the same. But, I don’t even think I could if I tried. I was really looking forward to my trip to Puerto Rico in the next month. I would of course get to meet up with my pops, and just be around people like me. I would also be back in the paradise like weather that I’ve been missing lately. I was usually the person always giving advice, but lately it’s been my mom and dad giving it all to me. I just take it in, put it in a place in my brain and always think about it before I make a decision. Later that night we went out to a club and I could have picked up some girls, but I just wasn’t feeling it not one bit. I missed sex, I missed it a whole lot. But, sex just isn’t sex with other girls. I needed Diamond.

I kissed both of the twins on their foreheads just before I got up. Instead of going out with the girls tonight I said that I would just babysit for everyone. Of course I got the ‘you sure?’ 20 times, but yeah I was sure. I didn’t want to drink, and end up in some guys’ bed having awkward ass sex with him. I just let the kids cheer me up today. I walked back out into the living room sitting down on the couch. I grabbed the cover that Devin had over him and put some over me. “Diamond..” he said softly. I looked over, “Yes Devin..” “Where is uncle Bruno?” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, “He’s across seas singing for his fans.” “Why didn’t you go with him?” “Because he needed to go by himself..” “Oh.. don’t you miss him?” I turned the other way, “A lot..” I said under my breath. “Huh?” I put my hand up to my face, “I miss him a lot..” I said my voice becoming shaky. “Me too..” he said shifting positions. I put my other hand up to my face and tried my best to hold in my cries. I felt him sit up on the couch, “Are you crying?” “No.. just please go to sleep Devin.. it’s really late..” I said from behind my hands.

He moved around again before I felt his little hands on my wrists. I let him move my hands away, “But, why are you crying? He’ll be back won’t he?” I wiped my face and nodded, “Yes he’ll be back..” “Soon right?” I shook my head and tired to smile, “No.. not soon.. he has a lot of fans now, and he’s gotta do shows for all of them..” “Aww..” I nodded, “I know but, I don’t want you to worry too much okay?” He smiled, “Okay..” I reached down and tickled him a bit and he giggled as he laid back down in his spot. He was a lot smarter than I thought he was, but I had never underestimated him. I couldn’t believe that I had just broke down like that out of all times. I hadn’t cried in weeks but, I guess it was going to have to come. I laid my head back into the couch, playing memories over and over in my head. I fell asleep some time later after praying.

After another successful line of European shows we we’re back home in L.A. I had told myself that I was going to have a good time tonight no matter what. I needed it honestly. The guys kept telling me everyday how tired they we’re of me not being as happy as I usually was. “Ginger ale and rum.. light ice..” I said to the bartender. “You got it.” I sat down in the stool spinning in a bit as I looked out to all the people on the dance floor. I smiled from ear to ear as people we’re getting down tonight. I wanted to be out there and I would as soon as I got a few drinks in me. I turned in my stool to the bar once again and started to watch the bartender. “Hmm.. funny seeing you here..” a familiar voice said from beside me. I quickly turned to Jazzy hopping up in the seat next to me. “What? When? How?” She put her head out, “I don’t have to stay in Hawaii my whole life dude..” I just laughed, “Well damn.. how’s it going.. what’s been up..” “Nothing.. work.. and a little bit of vacation..” I watched the bartender put my drink down in front of me out the corner of my eye. “Yeah?” I said grabbing it. I started to down some of it. “So where’s Diamond?” I choked on my drink a bit before pulling it from my lips. “Damn.. you alright?” she aid confused. I slowly sat my drink down on the bar. I put my hand up to my forehead and massaged a bit, “We don’t date anymore..”

“What?!” I shrugged, “Yeah I know and this was honestly the longest time it had slipped my mind..” “Do you mind me asking what happened?” “It’s a long ass story.. and I don’t like thinking about it alright..” “Na.. come on man you owe me anyway..” “Owe you?” I said looking over to her. She looked me up and down, “Hell yeah and don’t make me bring it up..” “Ahh.. alright alright..” She smirked as I started to tell her everything that had happened between us. I felt myself choking on some of the words as I went along and just hurting a bit more all over again. When I was done I adjusted my hat and just looked out to space. “You know.. I would have never thought that..” I laughed trying to cheer myself up, “What you thought I would have cheated on her and all of that?” “You know I’ll keep it real.. I really did think that..” I rolled my eyes, “Of course..” “Well.. I don’t know what to say..” I shrugged, “Shit.. I don’t know what to do..” “Get her back..” I shook my head, “She doesn’t want me back..” “Well guess what..?” I looked over to her, “What?” “You going to make her want you back..” she said getting closer to my face. I glanced down to her lips and then back up to her eyes, I swallowed hard, “If you say so…”…..