Chapter 12

“Phred, what are you doing here?” I ask

“I just couldn’t wait. I’m going crazy! The whole way here I’m trying to find ways to where I can make it up to you but I realized that it’s up to you. Alisia, tell me what I need to do so I can change it. I can’t erase it, but I can change how you feel just please.”

I had to make up something real quick. With Carlos in the kitchen, I have to send Phred away. I feel so bad, looking into Phred eyes I try to look for a lie like Alicia always tells me to look for but all I can find is sadness & regret. I want to be with him but Carlos..i don’t know. I need to talk to Alicia about this one. I really like Carlos, he says what’s on his mind with out holding back but Phred is the romancer, The one i’ve liked for so long. Huh, what am I supposed to do.

“Meet me at Bayne park in 20 minutes .” I say

“Can’t I just come in?” he asks

“No…not right now. Look I got to go ok? Just meet me there ok?”

“..Alright. I’ll be there.”

“Ok,bye.”

I close the door and see Carlos peering in the hall way. He looks at me and shakes his head at me. My heart is beating so fast, that was just too close. You know what’s so crazy, I feel like I’m still with Phred & I’m cheating on him but I’m not. That should let me know something right there.

“That was the guy huh?” Carlos asks

“Yeah.”i say

“Phred his name?”

“Yeah.”

“Hmm, seems like you still love him.”

“I never loved him,liked yes but not love.”

“Yeah yeah yeah, look. If you want to be with that loser fine but as soon as you want someone who makes you feel secure & cared for & someone you can truly trust. I’ll be across the street.”

“I Barely know you Carlos.”

“You know me enough to almost kiss me.”

I didn’t say anything, I folded my arms as I watch him leave. As he closes the door behind him, I lock it and run upstairs to my room & call the only person in the world who could help me. Alicia.

“Hello?” Alicia says

“Hey, it’s me.” I say

“Oh My God Alisia I was just about to call you!”

“Really?”

“Yeah, guess what?”

“What?”

“I Like someone new.”

“WHO?”

“Dwayne..”

“Whaaat? When did this happen?”

“Yesterday, we’re not together or anything but he’s nice.”

“Awh, that is so cute!What happened?”

“Well, after school yesterday I was walking home as usual but he seen me & gave me a ride home. Mom wasn’t home so we ended up talking for hours on the porch swing, then he told me he though I was special.”

“Awh! That is so cute!”

“Yeah..he also told me about Phred..”

“What about him.”

“…Just that he’s been moping around the house a lot trying to find a way to fix things with you & everything.”

“Well, oh well for him.”

“Well, me & Dwayne talked some more & as much as I hate Phred for what he did. He did try to make it up to you as soon as he realized what he did & he has been trying ever since & he seems really upset with himself.”

“Well if he was that upset he wouldn’t of done it. He shouldn’t of hurt my feelings like that.”

“I know Alisia but I know you see it in his eyes that he’s really sorry. He only protected her from you because he knew you would kill her. He wanted to prevent you from going to jail again. Remember how you fucked up Tia?”

“Yeah, she was in the hospital for a week..”

“Yeah, I was a nervous wreck even though you were only in there for 3 days & you know who asked about you every day?”

“Phred, I remember because I was so happy.”

“Exactly. He cares about you enough to where he saves you from trouble again.”

“…True.”

“Now, imagine if he wasn’t there.”

“…I don’t want to.”

“Exactly. So, I’m not saying you should jump back into things like how they were but give him a chance.”

“Ok. I guess you’re right”

“80% of the time but, i’ll call you later ok?”

“Why?”

“D want’s to take me out later and i have to get ready.” she said with a laugh

“Ok, Alicia. You take care of yourself ok?”

“I will girl don’t worry”

She hung up the phone but I’m not even mad, I know it takes her hours to get ready. I think back to how I felt when I looked at Carlos after seeing Phred. I guess I still do have feeling for him, no matter how mad I am at him Alicia’s right. But Carlos…i feel guilty, if Phred wasn’t at the door, we would of kissed but it didn’t happened. Maybe that was for a reason. I don’t know.

Tired I walk back downstairs, grab my purse and walk out the door on my way to meet Phred…

When I get there I see Phred sitting on the bench , waiting patiently for me. He looks at me and smiles. I feel myself melt a little as I watch his dimple form in his face making him look so innocent. I sit down next to him and look out into the park watching little kids play on the monkey bars.

We don’t say anything for a while, just sitting there watching the kids play. I love how free they look, free of problems & full of innocents. Too bad my child hood wasn’t like that at all.

Phred grabs my hand and yanks me off the bench. He pulls me towards a tree and leans me up against it putting his lips to mine. His oh so familiar lips to mine, fitting perfectly onto mines. I know I should be mad but I can’t help but to kiss him back. It’s like my mind was mad at him but my body needed him.

“I’m sorry.”Phred finally says

“..I know.” I say

“..I had a whole apology planned and everything but you deserve better and sadly I really don’t know how to make it up to you.”

“Well first off, Do me a favor? Spare this apology shit. I hate sorrys…It’s a waste of breath.”

I roughly pushes Phred off of me, and back onto the bench. I look around first to see if the kids are still here & they’re no so I sit on top of him. Phred’s eyes gleam with excitement but he keeps his hands to himself. I stare at him, more like glare at him, looking him all over his face. He leans up, trying to get close to me but I grab him by his dreads and pull him back down. I feel a little “kick” in his pants and raise my brows at him, surprised that he liked what I just did.

I grip his dreads a little harder and he looks at me a little glassy eyes. I smirk at him as he bites his lip and leans up again. I guess he hasn’t learned his lesson,so I pull him back down by his dreads and poke his chest.

“Looky here, “I don’t give people second chances…I hope you know that, but if you want to make this up to me, than stop thinking, and start acting.”

“But I can’t stop thinking. I’ve been thinking about you since the first time I saw you &…i don’t know what to do. So I started thinking..”

“Shh, what I tell you? You think too much Phred.” I say putting my fingers to his lips

“I Know..” he says putting my fingers in his mouth

I could feel my body temperature rise a little and I pull my fingers out his mouth and take a deep breath. He stares at me with a smirk on his face and I just turn my head at him. Here I was not to long ago, pissed off at him and here I am now feeling it.

He sits up and stands up with me wrapped around him. He carries me to his car and keeps looking at me all glassy eyed. Phred puts me down and leans me against the car with his hands running through my hair. He leans in to kiss me but I put my fingers on his lips. It’s like we have this crazy connection where I could want to kill him one day and all it takes is him to look at me and I just change my mind…i don’t like this.

“I’m supposed to be mad at you.” I say

“No, you’re supposed to be loving me.” he says with a serious face

“What? Boy you crazy.”

“Yeah, I know. And i’ve come to realize I’m crazy about you.”

“Whatever, I don’t believe you..”

“Believe it.”

“I don’t believe because love is bull shit just so a guy has a reason to keep you around.”

“Is that what you think?”

“It’s what I see everyday.”

“Alisia, I’m not your father. I wouldn’t just say that just to keep you around.”

Muther Fucker! Talk about mood change. My face changes into a scowl and everything I was just feeling hit the ground running. Out of all the times, he brings up my father now? Knowing I hate that man with a passion! Gosh Phred, you just knows how to fuck shit up just when I was starting to forgive him.

“First off, don’t ever fucking bring up my father. Secondly, you are just saying that to keep me around, you just said not to long ago that you didn’t know what to say so you throw that I Love you bull shit at me?! You must think I’m an idiot so Fuck you & your fucking fake I love you!”

I push him out the way but he grabs a hold of my arm and slams me up against the car. He holds my arms up as I struggle to fight him off of me he lets go and I slap him across the face. He looks at me, defeated, tired and…sad. I push him out the way and start to walk away. I brace myself for him to grab me but he don’t, so I keep walking but I notice that my body is walking slow. I feel my heart twinge but I ignore it knowing that I’ve heard those words a million times and fall for it a million times making my heart break into a million pieces…

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“Alisia!” I yell

She stops cold and my heart runs a million miles a minute. I fucked up, shes supposed to be getting in the car so I can drive her home and make sweet love to her but my mouth formed the words father and I lost everything. This is my only chance but nothing comes to mind but a song..

“I’ve been thinking about you, Since the first time I saw you & I didn’t know what to do, So I started thinking, & the more I’m thinking about you, I get the feeling I love you, But I don’t have any idea what you might be thinking So if I’m singing this song, Telling you about what I’ve been thinking, hopefully This song will make you want to tell me, You’ve been thinking about me, & we won’t have to do anymore thinking, I’ve been thinking about you, Since the first time I saw you, & I didn’t know what to do, So I started thinking, & the more I’m thinking about you, I get the feeling I love you, But I don’t have any idea what you might be thinking but i’ve been thinking bout yooou, thinking bout yooou.”

I breathed my last breath on that note. I put my all into it the best way I could sing it to her. I stare at her back hoping that she’ll turn around and say something, I don’t care what it is. I just need her to understand that this is how I feel no matter if she believes me or not but I know she can feel it. The way she just so easily melts in front of me just explains it all but every single time I get close enough, it’s like she makes some excuse and clams up on me.

She finally turns around and looks at me. She’s biting her lip pretty hard with her arms folded and her pretty little hands digging into her skin. I stare at her as she stares back at me with so much intensity I feel like I should be bursting into flames right now . Keeping my mouth shut just in case I say something else to fuck everything up again, I just keep staring.

I guess she’s not going to do anything so I bravely take the first step towards her. Slowly I walk towards her and she takes a step back so I stop. I wait a minute and start to walk again but she takes another step back. I keep going until she sits down on the bench and I’m standing in front of her again. I get on my knees, and Alisia turns her head away from me.

“Alisia..”

“..What?”

“Look at me please.”

“..No.”

“Alisia..”

“..Phred.”

I bravely grab her face and make her look at me. I see her eyes swell with tears but I can tell she’s refusing to let them fall. All of a sudden she shakes her head out of my hands and I let her go. She looks at me with an angry expression and opens her mouth to say something but I grab her hands and cut her off.

“i don’t want you to say anything just hear me out. Yes, I know it’s early and I know we haven’t been together that long at all but I do love you. I’m not asking you to love me back or even to say it back. All I’m asking you is for forgiveness and a chance to prove myself to you.”

“…How do you even know that you feel the way you feel.”

“..I..started to think back of what my mom said to me when I last seen her.”

Now I was the one who was looking down but she put her hands on my face this time. Making me look at her.

“Tell me?” She says

“..She told me that if a woman is driving you crazy,physically, mentally & emotionally then she has your heart but if it’s all in a good way to where you like the crazy. Then you love her…i remember telling her that what if we just got together a week ago, she scolded me with a look on her face saying Boy, time don’t matter, only feelings do. Remembering that got me thinking, damn. Alisia got me caught up, but I’m OK with it.”

Alisia’s face is looking at me with concern, looking back & forth between one eye to another like she’s searching for something. I can tell that she’s thinking about something because her face is a little scrunched up.

“Look, Phred. I can’t make any promises that I’ll ever feel the same but…i won’t say I won’t try.”

“Don’t try just,let it all come naturally. That’s all I ask.”

“..Ok.”

she leaned down and helped me up off the grown as she stands up herself. I open my arms and she melts into me as I squeeze her. Good job Phred, you finally did something right once in your life. Alisia looks up at me and gets on her tippy toes, I smile and lean down to kiss her with the love that I have for her.

We walk back to my car hand in hand and I got this, “I’m the luckiest son of a bitch in the world” face on. Feeling so good, I open her door for her and watch her as she gets in. I run over to my side & get into the car. I looked over at her with the biggest smile on my face, she wasn’t looking at me just out the window like she had something on her mind.

“So, where you want to go?” I asked her

“I don’t know.” she says

“You ok?”

“I’m fine, kinda relieved ”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Because, your here. With me & I feel good about it.”

“Well, I’m glad you feel that way.”

“Yeah…me too.”

She leans over and I lean in giving her a kiss. She pulls back but I pull her back to me and kiss her again and again and again. I’m so happy to just have her in my car, I don’t want to let her go. I feel her hands go for my dreads, clenching on them making me pull closer to her, if that’s even possible. I run my tongue on that stop on her neck and feel her clench on my hair & quiver. Just like I want her too. Planting my final kisses on her I pull back and look at her face all dreamy eyes and what not.

“Why’d you stop?” she asks

“Because we’re in a car.” I say with a sly smile

“Yeah, I see.”

“I was going to take you out but how about we go to my place & I make you dinner?”

“Is the guys going to be there?” she asked with a certain look on her face

“Nope, it’ll be me and you.”

“Good.”

She runs her fingers over my lips and I kiss them. Pulling myself away because I know I’m going to get caught up. Driving away with out speeding off like mad man, we ride. Damn I can’t wait to get her home..

We pull up and I help her out of the car into the house. I watch as she comfortably sits on the couch like she’s been sitting there forever. Damn, she’s beautiful. I’m just staring at her just taking it all in when she starts to do that whole blushing thing. Being all sexy & stuff. She bites her lip at me and I feel him flinch. Down boy…

“Aren’t you going to make dinner and stop looking at me?” she asks

“Oh I can make dinner, but I rather eat you up.” I say

“Oh really?”

“Mhmm.”

“Then, why don’t you come over here and eat up?”

“why don’t you come over here so I can eat.”

She gets up & walks slowly over towards me, I watch her impatiently come over my way to the point I’m about to just grab her and throw her on the couch. But she’s already in my face.

“So now what?” she ask

“You.”

I scoop her up and she smiles at me, touching my face with soft strokes. My heart drops a little and I can feel myself rise a bit more. Alisia pulls down my face to hers and just stares at me. I stare at her. We do a lot of staring

“Can I be honest right now?” she says

“you should always be honest.” I say

“..I don’t know why I’m here.”

Talk about mood change. My arousal softens and I feel myself get a little upset. Just when I thought things were going back to normal. I put her down and she just stands there looking me in the face.

“What do you mean?” I ask

“I feel like, I should still be upset with you but I’m not.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“It’s a strange thing, I really don’t give anyone any second chances. No if’s ands or buts about them.”

“Then why did you?”

“Alicia, mostly.”

“What?”

“She and I talked. She can be very convincing.”

“You don’t want to be here?”

“..I don’t know.”

“Why all the sudden change? We were just fine a minute ago.”

“Well, I just want to make sure that I want to be here because It feel right. Not because I should.”

“So, you think your only here because of Alicia?”

“& Dwayne.”

“Dwayne?”

“Yeah he talked to Alicia…there’s something else too”

“..What?”

“..When I look in your eyes, all I seen was you pleading for me to come back and I did because…i felt bad.”

“So, what your saying is that you don’t want to be here?”

“…No.”

“But why?”

“..It’s just too much for me right now.”

“Too much how? You’re not making any sense Alisia.”

“Look, I need to go. I’ll see you tomorrow or something ok? I’ll call you.”

“Alisia, what’s going on? Can’t we talk some more to get your feelings together?!”

“No…i need to think. Sorry, i’ll call you tomorrow.”

“What about my feeling?! & how I feel about you?!”

“It’s not about you. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

and with that, she walked out the door and I just I sit down on the chair. Going over what the fuck just happened in my head. Did I do something wrong? What did I say? Maybe she didn’t want to have sex and I was moving to fast. I’m thinking of everything that I could of possiably done to make her leave. But I come up with nothing. Nothing at all…