Chapter 1

20/04/2011 23:15

„Eve, thank you so much for looking after Sammy. I just can’t take him with me to the appointment with the lawyer. When I’m getting upset he always starts crying“, I say to Eve, she helped me a lot the last couple months and became a very good friend of mine.


„You feel when Mommy’s getting nervous, right?“, I say while turning over to my lil boy.


He just drools, of course he’s too young to answer, even to understand what I’m talking about, what I’m worried about. `I’m glad he doesn’t get all the shit that’s going on around him` I think to myself.


I look at him and have to smile, he’s just too cute. I caress his cheek. He smiles at me.


I absolutely love my lil man. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I have so much love to give him and I surely do. That’s the beautiful thing about my Life of Love. But the hardest part is to love myself... while I know I caused all the dilemma...


„Oh, he’s really too adorable, only 7 month old, but already got a smile that light up women’s hearts“, says Eve admiring „like his Dad.“


I just pretend not to have heard this comparison.


„Sorry, just came out“, she apologizes.


„It’s okay. Anyway you’re right“, I answered. „Soon I’ll have to make sure he’s not becoming a heartbreaking player“, I joke, knowing that’s a little truth in it.


„Sure you don’t wanna take him with you? Bruno maybe will be happy to see him?!“, Eve asks.


„No, if he wanna see him, he can have that anytime. Just have to call me or come over. But I won’t bring him his son I’m no delivery boy“, I reply resolutely.


„Okay, you stubborn Taurus!“, Eve gets back to me.


„Hey, I got reasons for being stubborn! You know that!“, I response huffy.


Sammy began to be uneasy. I calmed down. `This still tear me up so easily, when I think of him and what he did. When will I get relaxed about all that?` I ask myself.


„Well, you’re just not ready to forget about it, to get over it and start living again!“, Eve assesses, like she can read my mind.


„I know. I try, but it’s not easy. And how he behaves, doesn’t make it better. Why does he act like it doesn’t bother him at all?“, I ask Eve, as well as myself.


„I don’t know. Maybe it’s just that he doesn’t know how to handle the whole situation?! A short night of fun changed his life completely. I don’t wanna trivialize what he did! It really was a fool mistake. But he paid his dues for it. His image as a loyal, faithful, woman-blessing man, husband and father broke down immediately. He lost you and Sam, his little family-idyll, he took for granted and always thought he could rely on and come back to“, Eve tries to answer my question, „and because he doesn’t wanna break down at all, he plays the strong dude?!“


`Wow, Eve is really getting to the point. But is she right? Does he gives up US so easily? Does he really don’t care about Sam and me, doesn’t even TRY to contact me, because he just is not strong enough? Because he doesn’t wanna or can’t show his pain and his helpnessless?`


My thoughts start to confuse me.

`But what about me? My life changed a lot, too. I also lost my idyll of a dream-family, a dream of a family I don’t deserve to have?`


Is this the way my Life of Love should be? Why this all happen to us now like that? Because of my past sins?


I remember the beginning of our love. It was so innocent... so easy... so nice...