She started drawling, looking up at me every so often. Her hand was flying across the paper, every time I tried to peek, she would tell me to sit still. I hadn’t been sitting too long when Pharrell and Ryan walked in. “What are you guys doing?” “He’s being my model,” she replied. Pharrell walked over to the cabinet and got some more sketch pads and pencils, handing one to Ryan. “”Last time I did this she said to start with a basic shape and then work my way out of it,” Pharrell explains to Ryan. “Wait, you guys are going to draw me too?” They sat down on the floor, “Well who else are we gonna drawl Bru?” Ryan says. After a few minutes it starts getting awkward, everyone being quiet and looking at me.
Can I go get a guitar or something, I’m bored just sitting here with you guys staring at me.” “You do whatever you need to do,” Chrissy says, getting up to get her canvas and supplies. She sits down and starts mixing paint colors. I get up and walk to the studio and grab a guitar and go back to my spot on the couch. I just play around with different sounds. Soon Chrissy is lost in her painting, Pharrell and Ryan get bored and start goofing off, drawling my body, adding boobs and facial hair. “You guys are turning me into the bearded lady, that’s funny shit.” I start playing again and sing a little bit. When I look at the clock I can’t believe how much time has passed, we’ve been sitting here for hours! Finally Chrissy looks up and says, “I think I’m done!” We all get up to look. There I am, standing on the beach, with an amazing sunset in the background. I swear it looks like a picture with more texture, but it’s perfect! “Wow Chris, this is amazing!” She looks down at her hands, and shyly replies, “Thanks.”
“What do you guys think about emotionally induced painting?” Ryan and I both look at her clueless. “Chris, I think that’s a good idea, but your going to have to explain it to them, this is their first rodeo remember,” Pharrell reminds her. She starts to shake her hand a little bit, getting nervous. “It’s okay,” I say touching her arm. She pulls away like I’ve shocked her. “I’m sorry, Chris.” I say quietly. “No! Don’t apologize, it’s my fault,” she says smacking her leg. I don’t understand why Pharrell isn’t trying to help, but I can tell that she is getting frustrated. She looks towards him, with a pained look, “Don’t even think about it, you stand right where you are and you spit out what you want to say, we’re all adults.” “Fuck you Pharrell,” she says quietly and she runs out of the studio.
We all stand there looking at our shoes for a minute and then Pharrell goes into another room grabbing some stools, “There are a couple of easels in there if you guys could grab them.” We walk in and grab them, and when we come back he says, “I know you think what I just did to her was a dick head move, but let me explain. If I don’t make her do this on her own, she’s going to have a rough time the whole time you guys are here. She is fighting with herself, she wants to crawl into my arms and have me do all the work so she doesn’t have to interact with you, letting her do that is like letting her takes steps backwards and she has been doing really good lately.” We get paint on our trays and brushes, canvas all set up and soon Chrissy comes back in. She comes and stands in front of me looking down at her feet, “Can you hug me?” She asks in a really quiet voice. Right as i’m getting ready to pull her to me Pharrell interrupts saying, “You say what you want to first, then if you need to be hugged you can. And Chris, lift your damn head up. Nobody is upset with you.”
She lifts her head up and looks at me with those beautiful honey eyes. “I learned in school that anyone can paint, if you can induce the emotions. It’s like fighting writers block, if you put a song on repeat and close your eyes, just focusing on how that song makes you feel, it helps you.” The whole time she’s talking she is tapping her hand on her legs. “When she tried it with me, I was wanting to paint like a kid with water colors, but then I started painting this abstract piece,” he points to the far wall, “the song made me angry, that’s what I came up with.” “That is actually a really cool idea,” Ryan says. “Chriss, can we do this to the song we did last night?” “I don’t know if that would be a good idea, considering the mood she is in today,” Pharrell says. “No, Rell, I was actually thinking of that song when i though about doing this.”
I look up at Bruno and say, “Can I have my hug now?” He looks down at me and smiles, eyes sparkling, dimples showing. “Absolutely,” he says opening his arms. I curl my arms to my chest and put myself against him. He puts his arms around me loosely, “Tighter please,” I whisper. He hold tighter, “No Bruno, squeeze me.” “Well I don’t want to hurt you.” “You won’t.” He squeezes me tight and i can feel all of my anxiety slipping away. “You know Chris, if your going to ask for a hug, you could at least return the favor,” he says. I let one arm loose and slip it around his waist, holding onto the back of his shirt. Fighting with myself, I want to move my hand so bad, back to the security of my chest, but i’m leaving it there and i’m fighting. “Thank You Bruno,” I whisper barely audible. “Welcome,” he breathes into my ear. I stand there for another minute, learning his smell, letting myself relax in his arms and then I pull away.
While we were hugging Pharrell went and burned the cd. “Okay guys, basically, I just want you to sit in front of your canvas with your eyes closed. Listen to the whole song, it’s going to be on repeat, so if you need to listen more than once feel free. When ever you feel ready pick up your brushes and do whatever your heart tells you to.” “Ryan, just warning you, Pharrell and I were in tears at the end of this song last night,” Bruno says looking over at his friend. Pharrell comes back in and pops it into the cd player. “Sit down Rell, i’ll start it. I think I might sit this one out and help you guys,” I say as he walks back to his stool. I tell the guys to close their eyes and I press play.
The song from last night is playing, and it’s better than I remembered, we have done nothing to the song, it’s raw. Straight vocal and piano, as if she were sitting right here in the room playing it live for us. All the emotions from that session, and everything I have learned about her today hit me. i feel tears rushing to my eyes, “It’s okay, your supposed to feel for this to work,” Chrissy says next to my ear, her hand on my back. We make it through the song and I open my eyes, dip my brush in black paint and make my first stroke on the canvas. I am a horrible artist when it comes to drawling or painting, so this is going to be interesting.
Chrissy said that she was going to sit this one out but she is standing at her easel, one hand flapping around and the other hand furiously attacking the canvas with her brush. We listen to that song probably 20 times over the next couple hours, and then we all come to a stopping point. “Okay before anyone looks at anyone elses, I want everyone to turn theirs around, one at a time and explain it to everyone.” She sounds so strong right now. Pharrell volunteers to go first, his painting is an empty street, its raining and there is an outline of a girl curled into a ball in the middle of the street. Ryan is next and his is just an abstract, with blue and grey colors, but it’s still really cool. “Well, I don’t really know what mine is other than this eye that is sad,” I say as I turn mine around. Chrissy looks at it for a minute and then she comes over and says, “Look, it’s like the outline of a body, and instead of where the breast would be you put an eye. Maybe it’s like the eye is the heart? Either way, I really love this Bruno, and if you would let me, I would love to hang this in my house somewhere.” I am completely flattered by this. “I would be honored,” I say, “Now lets see yours.” When she turns it around, it’s a trophy. “Well, I actually felt happy listening to this song, It’s about a really hard time, and this song is like me overcoming it, so this is my trophy.”
After we clean up, we are all emotionally exhausted and starving. “What if I throw together some Bruh Bruh burgers?” Pharrell and I both look at him. “They are hamburgers that I make,” he explains. They go into the kitchen and start working on it, I head up to my room to change into my swim suit. “Chris?” Morgan comes into my room. “I’m sorry Morgan.” “I know, it’s okay, I shouldn’t have reacted that way. It was funny.” “Well, I shouldn’t have said that, it was rude.” We both start laughing and she hugs me. “Can you come lay out with me? I need a break from the boys.” “I was just thinking that sounds like a good idea, I just didn’t want to bother you guys,” She says walking out of the room to change.
As i walk past the kitchen on my way out, the boys are laughing about something. “Dayum Gurl!” Bruno hollers as I walk past. “Can’t touch this,” I say smacking my butt.” More laughing erupts. I have a the tiny Japanese body like my mom, 5 foot tall on a good day, barely there boobs, tiny frame. I have good hair and eyes like my mom too. Although I have tiny hips, I have butt for days, and my skin is slightly darker than mom’s, that I got from Dad.
I lay down by the pool and relax, soon the boys come out in their swim trunks and fire up the grill. “So, have you been talking to Bruno?” Morgan asks as she lays down next to me. “I told him.” “You told him what?” “That I’m fucking crazy, that he should not even try talking to me.” “Will you shut up! So you told him that you have a little problem, he’s still here does that mean anything?” “He sure won’t come back after this week, I bet you that.” “Whatever Chris, you’re too hard on yourself, P is still here. I’m still here. We aren’t leaving.” Pharrell scoops me up, “You can’t push me away baby girl,” He says spinning me around. “Rell, put me down!” “What was that Chris? I can’t hear you over your screaming?” He spins me around one more time and then runs towards the pool, jumping in with me on his shoulders.
“Pharrell, you ass!” She screams as soon as she resurfaces. He starts laughing and swims to the ladder and climbs out. “Bruno, come swim with me,” she says, as she swims towards the side. “I’ll come in in a little bit,” I say, but as soon as I say it, I’m pushed from behind, into the water. “Or, I’ll just swim with you now,” I say, coming towards the edge. She loops her legs around my waist and pulls me to her. “Whoa! I thought I made you nervous?” “You did until I hugged you. You give really nice hugs,” she whispers. I look up and everyone has their backs to us. I loop my arm around her waist and pull her closer to me. The color of her eyes are so intense, it almost puts me in a trance.
She leans in and kisses my lips lightly and then breaks away before I can even try to kiss her back. She swims across the pool, climbs out and wraps herself in a towel and walks inside. Pharrell comes to the edge of the pool as soon as she is inside, lays down on his stomach and says, “You need to be careful Bruno.” “Careful about what?” “I mean she has a hard time trusting people, but when she does, she will give you her everything. I mean, you can’t just fuck around with her, because she doesn’t work that way. And don’t you dare even try to be in a relationship with her of any kind, not even friends if you are doing it out of pity.” He pushes himself up and walks into the house.
“What the fuck was that?” Pharrell says coming into the house. I just turn around and look at him. “You know, you can’t just go around kissing people Chris.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about Rell,” I say starting to get upset. “You know damn well what i’m talking about. You barely know him, and when you let your guard down like that you get hurt.” “Weren’t you the one that talked me into telling him everything? Weren’t you the one that brought him here in the first place? Weren’t you the one that told me to stop pushing people away? I don’t know shit, Pharrell cause i’m so fucking invalid, right? Why are you telling me one thing when you mean another? Why don’t you take your own advice? Stop playing with my fucking mind, you fucking know that I have trouble reading between the lines, and your lines are so fucking close it’s damn near impossible for you to even read them yourself!” I’m yelling now and Morgan is coming towards the house, but I don’t care anymore. “Fuck you Pharrell. I’m 24 years old, I think I can handle my own life.” I throw the box of cereal that i’m holding at him and head to my room.
I lock my door and throw a t shirt on and climb onto my treadmill. After about 5 minutes there is a knock on my door. “Go away Pharrell.” “Christian, please let me in.” “No!” “I’m sorry, okay? I just want whats best for you,” he says from the other side of the door. I pick up the remote from the tray on my treadmill and turn my music up. Running usually helps me in the same way as being held by someone does, but this isn’t making me feel any better. So I increase the speed and incline. 5 more minutes pass and there is another knock at my door, I turn my music down. “What do you want now?” I’m starting to get winded. “Chrissy, can I come talk to you?” It’s Bruno, I stop and unlock the door. He hands me a bottle of water, “I thought you might need this.” “Thanks,” I say taking and drink and then I get back on my treadmill.
“You know if you’re trying to run away from your problems, a treadmill isn’t going getting you anywhere.” “I’m not running from anything,” she says. “Then why are you running so fast? Why don’t you stop and come talk to me.” “Can I have a few minutes to shower really fast?” “Sure.” She slips into the bathroom and yells, “Stay there,” as she shuts the door. I hear the shower start and then she starts singing.
I know that the bridges that I burned along the way, Have left me, with these walls, and these scars that won’t go away. And opening up, has always been the hardest thing, Until you came.
God when she sings, I can’t believe that a sound that big, comes out of that little body. She stops singing and turns the shower off. In a minute she cracks the door open, “Will you turn your head, close your eyes, something so I can go to my closet?” I lay back on her bed and put a pillow over my face. She gets dressed and comes back sitting on the other side of the bed. “Before we have this talk, will you sing me a song?” I’m usually the one singing for other people, so I love this. “What do you want me to sing?” “Sing me a country song, I like the sound of your voice when you sing country.” She thinks for a minute and then goes to her closet grabbing her guitar, she sits back down next to me and starts playing.
I found a book that my momma kept
filled with secrets she hid.
And in a dusty old attic, one mornin’ I read,
About a woman I never met
Who had dreams just like mine
With every page that I turned,
her words came alive
Wish I could roll out of town like a run-away train
I’ll do as I dare, let them call me insane
I’ll never sit on the sidelines of life,
I’ll dance every dance
If I just had the chance
“Wow,” he says when I get done singing, “I still can’t get over your voice.” “Thank You.” “Look,” he says taking ahold of my hand, “You’re beautiful, No that’s not the right word to describe you, okay your beauty is indescribable. And you’re funy and sweet and talented. And I really like you, but I want to take things slow. Because when something does happen, I want you to be comfortable, and not get all upset.” “Bruno, wait. I don’t want you to be doing this because you feel bad for me, cause if that’s the case you need to save your words. Who said I wanted to be in a relationship with you anyways?” His face looks shocked, “What? I mean the way you’ve been acting and everything.” “I know, but I don’t date celebrities, I can’t handle dealing with all that,” I say to him. “That’s not fair to lump every famous person in the same category, we’re not all the same you know.” “I don’t know Bruno.” “Well how about this, we will take it slow, and if we just stay friends that’s okay too, but like I said I really like you.”
“I don’t think you know what you’re getting into, I’m hard to handle sometimes, like you’ve seen I have major freak outs, you’ll be gone a lot too, living in a different city and touring. I’m not sure if that will work.” “Chris, most girls are hard to handle, and you’re simply talking about putting in work, all relationships take work, this one may just be a little bit more. But you know what they say, the more work you put in, the better the outcome.” “Whatever Bruno, go ahead and torture yourself,” she says getting up from the bed. I look out the window and realize that it’s starting to get dark, “Wow where did the time go?”
“Time always does this to me,” she says walking to the bathroom, I don’t know what to do with myself so I just sit there, looking out the window. When she comes back from the bathroom, she picks up her guitar and puts it away.
For the next couple hours we hang out in the studio, the boys are making beats, I’m just hanging out watching. Thinking about the talk Bruno and I had earlier. I’m not sure if I want this, I can’t really go anywhere public with him, like events cause I will freak out at all the people screaming at him. Clubs I can probably handle, if I have someone with me to keep my mind off of all the people. I’m going to be the worse girlfriend ever.
“Guys I think I’m going to head up to my room and go to bed, or watch a movie or something,” Chrissy says out of the blue. “Night Chris,” Pharrell says. I give her a little wave, I don’t really want Pharrell to know about the talk we had earlier, Chris will probably tell him though. We hang out for a little bit longer and then we all decide to go into the house and get some sleep. Pharrell says Chrissy will probably wake us up and make us work out with her in the morning. Walking in the house, Chris is curled up on the couch watching TV. “I thought you were going to bed?” Pharrell says. “I was but then I got hungry,” She says raising her bowl of cereal. “Oh Bruno, you can move your stuff upstairs to the other room, so Ryan can have the room down here if you want.” I nod at her and grab my bag and take it upstairs.
Just as i’m about to fall asleep I hear a little knock on my door. “Yeah,” I say. The door cracks open and then closes. A minute later my blankets are being pulled back. “I can’t sleep,” says a little voice, “Can I cuddle with you?” I open my arms and Chrissy climbs in, snuggling into my neck. “Hold me tight Bruno.” I squeeze her tight like she told me to earlier. “What are you upset about?” “What do you mean?” I don’t say anything, I just lay there holding her. “I’m scared Bruno.” “Scared about what?” I squeeze her tighter. “I’m a bad girlfriend. You aren’t going to be able to take me anywhere. All those camera flashes freak me out.” “Let’s worry about that when the time comes, okay? Don’t freak yourself over something that isn’t even happening yet.” She doesn’t respond, actually I think she has fallen asleep. “Chris?” “Hmmm?” She moves closer, if that’s even possible. “I’ll always hold you tight when you’re scared, and we’ll figure a way for you to go out in public with me. Let’s just focus on getting you comfortable with me before we climb mountains.” I know i’m talking to myself now, but maybe i’m just saying this out loud to reassure myself.
“Bruno,” I say pushing my butt into him. He responds how any man would, grabbing my hips and pulling himself into him. Which freaks me out, so I pull away and roll over. “Oh god Chris, I’m sorry!” I give him a little smile. “Come here, I won’t hump you again, I promise. Okay I won’t hump you right now, but one of these days, you won’t be so lucky.” I scoot closer and he lifts his leg for me to slide mine into. “What are you waking me up for? It’s early,” He says pulling me closer, putting his chin on top of my head. “I can’t sleep any longer, will you go for a run with me?” “You’re kidding right?” “Noooo,” I say pulling my head away, looking up at him smiling.
Reluctantly I got out of bed and went for a run with her, I complained the whole time. I seriously thought I was going to die at a few points. “Chrissy, can we just slow down for a few minutes,” I was slowing down regardless, coming to a fast paced walk. “Come on Bruno,” she yelled not even out of breath yet. We round a corner and her house comes into sight, “Race me?” She says running up to me. I don’t say anything I just take off running, as fast as my little legs will go. “Hey! Cheater!” She passes me with ease, stopping in her yard, laying down in the grass. When I get to the yard, I’m dying, but I make it look worse than I feel, collapsing on top of her. “Get off of me you big lug!” “What’s that? All my blood is rushing to my lungs and my ears aren’t working, I think I may be dying,” I say pushing myself up a little.
“I think I need a little mouth to mouth,” I say smiling down at her. She looks up at me with those amazing eyes, a little unsure for a minute and then she takes my face in her hands and brings my lips to her mouth. Kissing me, sending tingles to my thighs. I grab her thigh and pull it up, pushing myself into her. “Bruno?” “Hmmm?” I moan into her mouth. “I thought you weren’t going to hump me anymore,” she says, a little edge in her voice. “Damn Chris,” I say pushing myself off her, rubbing my head in frustration, “I can’t help it, you’re so fucking hot.” She pulls away and stands up, “I’m sorry,” she says, slapping her leg a few times, and then she runs into the house.
I jump in the shower, frustrated. Why am I doing this? I want him, so bad, but every time I let myself get close I freak out. I glance at the clock on my way to the closet, 530. I still have time before everyone else gets up. I know what I’m going to do, I’m going to scare myself, take myself out of my comfort zone, but I’m going to fight all my anxiety and do it. I slip on a pair of underwear and a big T-shirt and slip out of my room, tip toeing down the hall to his room. I knock quietly on his door and go in. “Oh shit Chris, give me a second,” he says turning around, he’s only in his underwear. “No Bruno, don’t put anything else on,” I say, pulling up my shirt to show him, I don’t have pants on. “Damn, what are you doing in here?” I sit down on the bed, and pat the spot next to me, he sits down and looks at me. “I want to try something, put myself out of my comfort zone.” I pull the covers back and crawl under them.
Okay, I don’t know what to think, is this one of her weird things? Or is she trying to have sex with me? I’m going to go with weird things, and just lay there, trying not to get my hopes up. If something happens then it happens. I crawl under the blanket and just lay there for a second looking at her. She sits up and pulls her shirt off, revealing her little breasts! HOLY SHIT! She lays down in the crook of my arm, throwing her leg over my thighs and her arm over my stomach. “You feel nice Bru,” she whispers. I don’t even know how to respond. I just look down at her and rub her back. We lay there for a few minutes and then she whispers my name, I look down at her and hook my finger under her chin, meeting her lips with mine. She doesn’t pull away, infact she moves her body so that she is on top of me. “I don’t know how far I want to go Bru, just let me go slow, let me get used to things.” I don’t try to go any further, I keep my hands on her face, parting her lips with my tongue.
We kiss like this for a few minutes, and then she sits up, rolling her hips around, “Chris,” I hiss. She takes my hands and puts them onto her breasts, and starts rolling her hips again. Okay, I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to be a good boy, I put one arm around her back and sit up, leaning her back a little and take one of her little nipples in my mouth. I keep my eyes on her face, making sure I’m not going to far to fast, a mix of emotion crosses her face in seconds, anxiety, fear and then pleasure. I use my teeth for a second and she lets out a little moan. And then I do something that surprises the shit out of myself. I roll her over, bring my face back up to her neck, kiss my way up to her ear, and whisper, “That’s all your getting out of me, I’m not letting this go any farther.”
“But Bruno!” I say whining a little. “I’m not letting you win this, go ahead and freak out on me, I’ll be right here.” He says. I get upset a little bit, but I hold it in and fight it. “Fine,” I say, I push myself away from him and try to climb out of bed, but he pulls me back down and holds me tight. “You’re not getting up until I know that you aren’t going to be mad at me.” “You don’t know how hard I had to fight my anxiety just to come in here,” I say feeling tears well up in my eyes. He kisses my eyelid, “Well I’m proud of you for doing that, and I’m glad you came in here, but there will be other times for all that. Believe me, I want to have sex with you so bad right now. But I don’t want things to get awkward, and then Pharrell jump my ass.” Eventually we fall back asleep, but I wake up an hour later and sneak out, grab my guitar and go sit by the pool.
When I get up a couple hours later, Chrissy and Pharrell are sitting at the edge of the pool, feet in the water, Chris is playing and singing. I can’t hear exactly what she is singing, but I love the sound of her voice. I walk down the stairs and let myself out the door. “Morning guys,” I say walking up to them. Chrissy doesn’t stop, or look my way, she just keeps singing. “Morning Bruno,” Pharrell says in a sleepy voice, I’m guessing he just woke up, “Chris is in the zone, I think we’re gonna go back in the studio here in a few.” She finishes her song and looks up to me, “Morning sleepy head. What do you say, you and I have an old fashion sing off in the booth today?” “I think that sounds interesting,” I say and I extend my hand out to help her up, and we head across the yard to the studio.